This talk, given at a 1981 elders’ meeting by Sharon Rose, covered topics regarding women’s groups including why we have them, the role of the head of the group, problems in women’s groups and what makes them work well.
Transcript
This document is a direct transcript of an audio recording, and may contain transcription errors and other minor edits for the sake of clarity.
SHARON: . . . This talk is on women’s groups. There are five areas contained in this talk.
One: Why do we have women’s groups?
Two: The head’s role in the women’s group.
Three: What we need to be to one another in the women’s groups.
Four: Some problems in women’s groups.
Five: What makes a woman’s group work well?
Why has God unfolded women’s groups among us?
The most obvious reason seems to be to develop friendships among ourselves, as women. Do we really need to be friends? When I first came into community, my response was, “No, Lord; you and Bud, my husband, can cover everything I need. And if I can’t hear you and Bud can’t help me, then I can always go to the prayer room” (which was available then). Then he began to open my eyes to the fact that my role, as woman and wife, was a role of support, and I needed sisters to live out that role.
First, on a very practical level, he showed me I needed them, as Bud’s father died, right after we had all returned from vacation. Normally, I “had no need for support.” I “handled everything well.” [Sharon says these last two sentences slowly and solemnly; scattered laughter throughout the room.] However, at that point, because of vacation, there were no clean clothes for any of us.
But I wanted to stay at my husband’s side, just after his father had died. As I was trying to decide what to do, a sister walked up the sidewalk with her own laundry basket, wanting to fill it with all of our dirty clothes.
Another sister came with food, and another sister came with flowers. And I turned around once in the funeral home to find one sister wiping my children’s tears.
Because my sisters supported me, I was able to support my husband.
Then God showed me, on a spiritual level, how much I needed my sisters. As I came to another season in my life, in which Bud was gone many hours of every day, I needed a word of truth from a sister, to help me see that, in fact, it was better to have a husband gone all day, and all night, and be in God’s will, than to have him at my side, and be out of God’s will. So God showed me, again, how much I needed sisters, in order to live out his word and be a support.
That was how God softened my hard heart in readying me for women’s groups.
Since then, he’s given us many words, calling us to be an army. In an army, the front lines are covered by the men. To be effective front lines, strong bonds between them are needed. One sister used to share that our men needed to be so one in mind and heart, that they could see one another in an airport and, without speaking a word, would know what needed to pass between them.
Initially, we, as women, are threatened by that kind of brotherhood. The world teaches, women can’t be friends. The world teaches, we are competitors.
But we began to see that as our men were united, arm in arm, in the front lines, building the kingdom, we needed to be a strong bulwark of support behind them. To do this, we needed to form and value deep friendships among ourselves as women, and women’s groups were a way of doing this.
Our women’s groups are a way of living out the word of God.
Such as “Love one another,” by giving us a vehicle to help us grow in a love based on commitment and faithfulness. An example of the love we can expect from one another is the high priority that the women’s group takes in our lives. If we are in town and well, we know we need to be faithful to being there, and, in time, will desire with all our heart to be there, even when we can’t. As we grow in being able to share what’s on our heart, we can receive support in living out the word of God, whatever it is. Be it headship and submission, disciplining children, honoring husbands, forgiving one another, putting others’ interests before our own.
I know that I need strength of spirit, and living out the word of God, by being able to share my life with my women’s group. I know they are committed to me in a life-giving way—that they will cry with me, speak a word of truth to me, laugh with me, and share with me the wisdom God’s given to them as they walk through each day.
Our women’s group helps us in becoming one in mind and heart, so we can stand against the enemy, and the world, in living out the word of God.
So, the “Why?” for women’s groups?
They are a way of forming friendships; a way of supporting and caring for one another’ a way to grow in becoming strong, holy women of God; a way to live out the word of God.
What’s the head’s role in a woman’s group?
First, I’ll share what it’s not. It’s not pastoral. She does not assume authority over her sisters’ lives. As an example, she would not say to a sister, “You need to lose some weight.” Rather, she would share something from her life that might be pertinent to the situation, to support her sister where she needs to be.
The head’s role is not one of a teacher, though some teaching will take place, as things are shared. While she should not teach, as such, she should be able to repeat community teaching on a subject.
The head does need to be directive and strong. Headship of a women’s group is important, because it is the way that has been given us to ensure order and direction.
Ezekiel 3:17–21 says,
Whenever you hear a word from me, warn them in my name. If I say to a wicked man, “You are to die,” and you do not warn him, if you do not speak and warn him to renounce his evil ways and so live, then he shall die for his sin, but I will hold you responsible for his death. If, however, you do warn a wicked man and he does not renounce his wickedness and his evil ways, then he shall die for his sin, but you, yourself, will have saved your life.
When the upright man renounces his integrity to do evil, and I set a trap for him, he too shall die. Since you failed to warn him, he shall die for his sin, and the integrity he practiced will no longer be remembered. But I will hold you responsible for his death. If, however, you warn the upright man not to sin and he abstains from sinning, he shall live, thanks to your warning. And you, too, will have saved your life.
So it is important to make the decision to head the group, to keep right order, to make it go right. That means the head is responsible for seeing that relationships are in right order, and that forgiveness and reconciliation take place when necessary.
Heads do lay down their lives, and need to accept that as part of the job. If something goes wrong in the group, it is often the head who experiences pain.
She needs to see that everyone speaks in the right way. We must never say anything that reflects badly on another.
The head is responsible for correction when necessary.
Correction is usually best if done in private. But we must correct slander, gossip, and wrong statements immediately. However, we also need to be careful of those who are fragile, and can’t bear it. Scripture says, “The Lord does not crush a bruised reed, or stamp out a smoldering wick.” We need to love the sister before we correct her. If we don’t have a love for every sister in our group, we need to get down on our knees and beg God for that love.
The last point under the responsibility for ensuring order and making it go right, is bringing together differing expectations and needs. As an example, it’s usually a good idea to have each sister share what they expect from the woman’s group.
Another example is [that] one sister may expect visits from her sisters when she’s in the hospital, and another may only want rest, peace and quiet. And one may have a need for child care on a particular day. Another may have a differing need that week. So it’s good to have the differing expectations and needs brought into the light, so the head can use them in drawing the group together. Headship is a service, and a gift of the Lord for the unity of the group.
Last, but certainly not least, the head needs to be a sister, as well as head of the group.
So the head’s role is not pastoral, not teaching; it is directive and strong; it is responsible for making it go right—through forgiveness and reconciliation as necessary, through correct speech, through correction, and through bringing together differing expectations and needs. And to be a sister as well as a head.
What we should be to one another in our women’s groups: fortresses, friends, and intercessors.
Fortresses. We can stand arm-in-arm beside one another. Or we can be shaken and fall.
Friends. We can lay down our lives for one another in our groups. Or we can put up a wall, stand behind it, and be self-contained, neither asking nor giving.
Intercessors. We can stand before God in our sisters’ stead. Or we can forget each of their needs, during the course of our busy week.
Fortresses. Yes, each group can be a fortified place: a place of strength, a place of shelter, for each of the sisters God has chosen to join together. We need to be, within our groups, fortresses for one another, so the enemy can’t reach us. How do we do that? How do we become a place of strength, a place of refuge, both singly, and as a group?
First, prayer. God is the source of all strength. Our personal prayer life is a foundation stone, without which we can be shaken and fall. That inner strength that then comes from God, as a result of our time spent with him in prayer, will bear fruit in a very practical way, by our being able to support, which is the second key factor in our being fortresses for one another.
We need to both give support to our sisters, and look for support from our sisters, within our groups. This support is an indispensable factor in making each sister strong, so she can be shaken and not fall.
Now, I would like to recall some of the ways of support that God has given to us as women, and enable us to be fortresses for one another within our groups.
WOMAN’S VOICE: Excuse me!
SHARON: Sure.
[Audio recording cuts out.]
SHARON: First of all, prayer: praying with one another as each has a need. Maybe our sister can share her burden, and maybe she can’t. Perhaps her burden is the sin of another, that we have learned should not be shared. Even if the burden can’t be spoken, each needs to know that she can come, and should come, to her group of sisters as a whole, or to any sister in that group and say, “I really need your prayers and can’t share why. Please pray with me.”
God can comfort through a prophecy. God can comfort through a Scripture passage. God can comfort through Spirit-filled prayer of our sisters around us. God can use us even without our knowledge of the burden, in building one another up, and making fortresses out of us for one another.
So we can receive support, in living out the word of God, by prayer, and also through our sharing with one another.
Other times, in which we need to give support, and to receive support, could be listed under the mundane aspects of day-to-day living—when in fact, they comprise the bulk of our needs as we live out our lives in the kingdom.Â
As an example—and you all have given lots of examples already—if there is illness, one of the sisters in our group might need her house cleaned, or her meals prepared, or the dishes washed, or mending done, or laundry taken care of, or linens changed, or grocery shopping done. Any or all of these could also be in need at other times, as when there’s a new baby in the house. Other times of supportive service might occur as transportation needs arise.Â
Or one of the most frequent needs seems to be care of the children, as a sister has a meeting, or a doctor’s appointment, or needs to write a talk. Each of us has needs. And as each group develops supportive service of one another that is founded on prayer, a strong wall will be built against the enemy, and we can be the fortresses to one another that God wants us to be.
Along with personal prayer and support in times of need, we also need to share good times, as friendship is comprised of supporting and sharing not only needs, but also joys.
Our pathway to friendship is spending time together. We might say of someone in the group, “How could I ever be friends with her? I love her, but be an actual friend to her?” Or, we might say, “I have my friends. We think the same way. We like to do the same things. We’ve been friends for years, and I don’t want to make new friends. I’ll meet with them once a week. But friends? There’s no way.” And that’s true; there is no way, with that attitude of heart.
For friendships to grow within our groups and yield fruit, we need to jump in with heart and soul. God’s love is not limited. It knows no bounds. We need to be deliberate in building relationships within the group. We need to be committed to building relationships in the group. We all believe in love, based on commitment. We all want to do it. So, often, what we do is dig our heels in, and what we have is commitment, but sometimes not affection.
So we need to grow in affection and friendship with one another. The pathway to friendship is time spent together. It happens through time spent together in sharing, which happens in our scheduled weekly meetings. It happens through time spent together and serving one another’s needs. It happens through time spent together having fun. Time, time, time. Time spent sharing, time spent serving, time spent having fun. How precious are the moments of time God gives us! And how we still hang on to “our time,” and find it difficult to conceive as being God’s time, and how we need to use it in his way.
In John 15, Christ says, “No greater love can a man have than to lay down his life for his friends.”
And I truly believe that it is a laying down of our lives, in the area of time, that we need to make, in order to build committed relationships within our groups, in which we can say, “We are true friends.”
We see the necessity of time spent sharing our lives as a group, during our meeting time. We see the necessity of serving and supporting one another in times of need. It’s also important that we see the necessity of sharing fun times together, outside of a meeting time, whether it’s a picnic in the park with the kids, or a luncheon date, or going grocery shopping together, or planning a housewarming, or berry picking, or bread baking, or, or, or. . . . We need fun time together.
Encourage the sisters in your group to develop deeper friendships, by making the effort to spend fun time together, outside of the meeting time. As a result of this shared fun time, new dimensions will be added to your meeting time. In fact, the meeting time and fun time complement one another, and each adds to the richness of the other.
It’s doubly important for the head to share fun time with her sisters. Because to fully enjoy one another’s friendship, we need to relax. At the meeting, as you gather together, it oftentimes is impossible for the head to relax, as you need to stay tuned in to the Lord, in a very specific way.
As you get to know your sisters better, through time spent together in fun and relaxation, they will be in your mind and on your heart more often during the week. That’s an important factor in our being intercessors for one another. As intercessors, we need to remember during the week the petitions and needs that have been expressed by our sisters. And also pray for one another during the week, for whatever the Lord reveals that each needs.Â
I saw the importance of intercessory prayer in a new way, as I was reading in John 5 of the man at the sheep pool, who had no one to put him in the water. Also, in Mark 2, in the story of the paralytic, it was upon seeing the faith of his friends that Jesus forgave the paralytic’s sins. This was a lesson to me about community, and those having strong faith lifting up and interceding for those whose faith might be temporarily weak, and make them unable to speak for themselves.Â
To be intercessors, we need to have our house on solid rock. Which means time spent in personal prayer, so we know God. Fasting is another means that can facilitate intercession. We can pray in the Spirit for one another, which we know, from Romans 8:27, is an expression of a plea that is according to the mind of God. We can then expect God to reveal to our mind that which we’re pleading in the Spirit. So we can also pray with our minds for our sisters.Â
We need to be persistent in our prayer, and keep alert as we pray, as we’re exhorted to do in Colossians 4:2. We can also pray with strong faith, since God’s Spirit gives us a knowledge of what to pray for. We should pray with thanksgiving, not worrying, but asking God for needs with a thankful heart. Â
We should pray with humility, acknowledging before God, our place as a sinner. We need to know how to intercede for one another as sisters, so we can be strong women of God, thus allowing the men to flow freely into the ranks God has for them. We need to know how to stand beside one another as sisters, as God calls our men. We need to bring the sisters God has given us before him, asking for his favor on the group—not because of any righteousness on our part, but because of his boundless mercy. It’s through him that each sister in a group will stand before him in her sister’s stead, pleading for her sister’s needs.Â
Jesus showed us the way in John 17, as he stood before the Father, when his passion and death were imminent, and prayed for his friends.Â
If we can become fortresses, friends, and intercessors for one another within our groups, we will be taking our place in the army, by becoming strong and holy women of God.
The fourth point is: some problems in women’s groups. These are simply factors that it’s good to be aware of, as they will change the dynamic of the sharing in the group.
One is the group size being too large or too small. If it’s a large group, we need to make sure that sisters don’t get lost in the corners. It may take particular care to see that everyone gets an opportunity to share their life with their sisters.
Frequent group changes will take an even greater concentration of effort, so depth of friendship can grow.
Different levels of Christian maturity, or time in community, may also be a problem in sharing. Those who have been in community for a long time may not share because they don’t want to make a new sister feel bad. And the new sister may not share because she feels she doesn’t know enough yet.
Another problem area is [that] sometimes one person’s problems will monopolize the meeting, and the sharing may be problem-centered [inaudible].
Another problem is the commitment to be there, [but] with no affection for one another.
Job situations, with working sisters, may cause a strain on the group. Because of their jobs, they do not have much free time to spend with one another outside their meeting time. So there’s a need to be a little more creative with the meeting, or perhaps meet one another for lunch, as a fun time extra [sic].
Occasionally, daytime meetings are difficult, because instead of it being able to be a relaxed time, it might get squeezed between a dental appointment and a luncheon engagement.
An ineffective leader can be a problem in the group. If the meeting is not started on time, people may begin to come late. If it’s not ended on time, people may begin coming with reasons from their head why they need to be excused at such and such a time. There may be a decision among the sisters to do something, and no one is put in charge, so the group may end up never doing what was planned. Now, any sister in that group could go to the leader and share her concerns, and the leader could ask for instruction.
There also could be a problem within a group if everyone is having babies or illnesses, or there’s a combination of both. Sometimes there is more service than one group can carry. Sometimes the service for them needs to be divided up among sisters and other women’s groups. An older women’s group might meet with a younger women’s group for a couple of weeks to get to know their sisters better, and to see what needs they might be able to fill. Another woman’s group might have an entertainment night for that group. Or cook dinner for them as a group.
One of the most important solutions, for any of these problems, is to talk about them: get them out there, into the brightness of the Lord’s light.
Last are the problems that are encountered in women’s groups in relation to speech. I’ll briefly mention them here, and discuss them more in [sic] length in the next talk. There’s the problem of speaking too much, and the problem of speaking too little. There’s the problem of speech being too opinionated. There is the problem of sharing another’s sins. There is the problem of the undisciplined tongue, and I’ll give five ways in which that happens. The undisciplined tongue shares in an exaggerated way; shares in a way which provokes envy; gossips; gives glory to self; and is judgmental, critical, complaining.
The last point is: what have we learned about what makes a woman’s group work well?
First . . . is prayer: faithfulness to personal prayer; prayer together in the woman’s group; prayer with each other; and prayer for one another.
Another key criteria in a woman’s group working well is good sharing: sharing from the heart, a sharing of our burdens and our joys. It’s everyone sharing, and a confidentiality of sharing. (More will be said about what makes a good sharing in the next talk.)Â
Besides prayer and sharing our hearts with one another, we need to share our time, and spend some, with one another, outside the usual time of our women’s group. Perhaps we need to clear a block of time in our schedules for a short coffee break, if we live close to one another, or for a brief phone conversation, or for lunch together, or the [inaudible—“opera”?], or anything else.
Fourth, we need to do service for each other, especially childcare.
We can also build relationships among ourselves by serving the body together, if an occasion arises when we can do that.
Another contributing factor to a woman’s group working well is having fun together, whether it’s during the meeting time or outside of that time frame. Just enjoying one another. I think we would agree, in our women’s group, that some of our most blessed times together are our birthday celebrations. It seems they’re always really fun, and very rich. It’s such a joy to share with each sister the very special qualities that God’s given to her that mean so much to you.
Some women’s groups planned birthday celebrations to fit the personality of the one that’s honored. One [group] had a formal dinner for one [sister] and a kids’ party with balloons for another. [Laughter.] Depending on what seemed appropriate as they got to know one another.
The group also simply needs time together as a group. We can’t just walk into a group of sisters, and begin to share the depths of our lives with one another. We need time to grow in our relationship with them, to grow in confidence with them, to trust them with our lives, and to know that they will help us to become more holy. There needs to be a commitment to a regularity of attendance, because it’s tru- —[words are missing here] . . . each of us being there each week that we become aware of how our friendship is valued by each person.
If one person is very irregular about coming, we become very unsure of the value that they place on our friendship. Consequently, there’s a tendency to become careful of the parts of our lives that we share. The group then becomes unstable, and it’s very difficult for trust to grow.
There also needs to be a decision on the part of the head to head the group, and a decision of all to become friends. . . .
[Recording ends here.]
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