This talk was given at a 1981 elders’ meeting by Julie Walters. In it, she looked at the use of the word “handmaid” in Scripture. She talked about the reason for having handmaids, the qualities of a handmaid and the pastoral role of a handmaid.
Transcript
This document is a direct transcript of an audio recording, and may contain transcription errors and other minor edits for the sake of clarity.
[NOTE: When this talk was given the word “branch” denoted what we now call “area.”]
JULIE: . . . This talk is on being a handmaid, and it has five parts to it. The first part is Scripture: the handmaid in Scripture. The second is the reasons for a handmaid. The third is the role of the handmaid. [The] fourth is the tension of the cross. The fifth is the support for the handmaid.
First of all, I want you to know that this talk is not a blueprint for being a handmaid. In other words, it contains some general principles that we as handmaids in the People of Praise have learned, but they’re not to be cast in bronze. They’re not to be taken back to your coordinators as “the gospel for being a handmaid, according to the People of Praise.” The structure in every community is different. And so, you will follow the structure according to what your community structure is. The point I really want you to—and what I want you to listen for in this talk is how the handmaid is a loving sister, how being a handmaid is one of those services to the body. Just like, perhaps, someone being in music ministry. That is a loving service to the whole body.
First [part]: What does Scripture say about being a handmaid?
In the Old Testament, the word “handmaid,” translated from the Greek, meant “maid,” a female servant. And as I read through some of the passages, I discovered that the handmaid took care of the personal needs of her mistress. And often she anticipated these needs. She had a great affection for the person that she served. Sometimes, she made suggestions that affected the spiritual life of her mistress. In some cases, she found it a privilege to be a servant and took great pride in her service.
She was completely at the disposal of her mistress. She did her bidding instantly. In Luke one, verse 38, Mary responds to the request of the angel Gabriel: “I am a handmaid of the Lord. Be it done unto me according to your word.” The word “handmaid” in this passage, translated from the Greek, means “female slave.” The life of a slave is completely controlled by another. The handmaid begins, then, to understand from these passages what her disposition of heart must be. She puts her life completely at the disposal of the Lord, in order to serve those who the Lord places over her and those he places in her care.
[Second part:] Why do we have handmaids?
[One:] Paul instructs Titus in chapter two, verses three to five:
The older women should be reverent in their behavior, with no scandal-mongering and no habitual wine drinking. They are to be teachers of right behavior and show the younger women how they should love their husbands and love their children, how they are to be sensible and chaste, how to work in their homes and be gentle and do as their husbands tell them, so that the message of God is never disgraced.
Paul directed that the older women should form, teach, and train the younger women. Titus gave these instructions to the older women. We have handmaids because though it is the leaders of the community, the coordinators, who give direction to our common life, it is proper for women to be formed by other women. Let me give you an example. A husband may direct his wife to speak in a different way, to express her opinion in a different way. I’m not talking about wrongdoing in speech, but a manner of expression. And he may point out the difficulty. However, it is in listening to the way in which her other sisters speak that the woman is formed in right speech patterns.
[Two:] In the People of Praise community, it is the women’s groups and the handmaid under the direction of the coordinators that form our women. We have learned that the handmaid cannot help other women if she herself is not open to being continually formed, taught, and trained. For this reason, it is absolutely essential for the handmaid to be in a women’s group where she can relate as a sister and is formed by her sisters. There’s a real danger that the handmaid could concentrate on being teacher and trainer, counselor and leader, and neglect being a sister. Our relationship—our basic relationship, through the blood of Jesus and the covenant of the community, is that of sisters and brothers. It is within the context of our women’s group that we grow in sisterhood and as women of God.
Three: the qualities of a handmaid.
These are really the qualities of any good Christian woman. However, they should be exemplary in the life of a handmaid.
First, Paul said the older women teach the younger. He really did mean “older” in Scripture. I had the experience when I was growing up of having a grandmother who very often said to me, “Julie, pride goeth before a fall,” —[a] very good Baptist woman. And my mother is the one who taught me to sew. And so, those older women trained me up and taught me spiritual principles, and also practical principles. Very often we’re not very close, because of our society, to the older women who would naturally train us up. And so in community, the “older” does not necessarily pertain to years. It may pertain to something more like being tested in handling responsibility, being schooled in community teaching and order, in the truths of gospel, and upholding these by the way she lives. She is mature in understanding, in wisdom, in the use of her spiritual gifts, and in the use of her pastoral gifts. Her experience in practical matters, as where—as well as spiritual matters, have [sic] borne fruit.
Secondly, she has a relationship with the Lord. She’s a God-fearing woman of prayer. She has an openness to the Lord that is full of faith and trust and love. Her relationship with the Lord is evident in her behavior. And Paul says, “Her behavior is reverent.”
Thirdly, she is a model of right behavior. She is righteous in speech, in dress and in her relationships. She exercises temperance and self-control. In other words, her life is in good order.
Fourth, she’s sensible. She uses sound judgment, common sense, and practical wisdom.
Fifth, she is domestic. Her home is well-managed, and is a place of peace.
Sixth, she is submissive. She has a teachable spirit. She’s open to direction, correction, and to being formed. She loves her husband and knows how to do him good.
Seven, she loves her children and disciplines them and trains them up under the authority of her husband.
Eight, she is a sister whose heart is for her other sisters. She has a desire and a zeal to use all her gifts, all her experience, and her time to care for, to support, and to serve her sisters. She brings life into every situation that she’s in.
Nine, she possesses a clear understanding of the vision God is giving the community, and is able to keep that vision before her sisters.
I’m sure that this isn’t an exhaustive list of the qualities of a handmaid, but these are just some of them that I thought of, and what I saw in Scripture. There probably are many others.
Tenth, she is raised up by the elders of the community as a model for other women. By her life and the way she lives it, she calls other women to be women of God. She is committed, loyal, and a woman of integrity. She is not necessarily a coordinator’s wife. A coordinator’s wife shares in an appropriate manner the honor accorded her husband, but she may or may not be a handmaid according to her gifts.
When I finished thinking about these different qualities, I thought to myself—I was really thankful that when I was asked to be a handmaid, that I didn’t see a checklist of the qualities of [laughter] a handmaid. Because if I had, and I was asked to evaluate myself on the basis of that list, I would’ve given the coordinators back a blank sheet of paper and then been depressed for days.
What we have to realize, when we are asked to be handmaids, is that it is the elders of the community who make the judgment. In the case of the People of Praise, they make that judgment after a community consultation. So the handmaid puts her faith and trust in the discernment of the body. And what a protection that is for us! I’m keenly aware of all my frailties, all my weaknesses, and my sinfulness. But I can only look at these in order to repent, in order to change, and in order to grow. And I cannot let them cripple my service.
I can only trust that I can be a handmaid by throwing myself at the feet of Jesus and trust [sic] him and put [sic] my faith in him, for he has told me that nothing is impossible to God. I have discovered over and over again that when I respond in obedience to whatever the Lord asks me to do, he will give me whatever I need. He’s our faithful God! The handmaid needs the humility which says, “I can do nothing.” And the generosity which says, “In God, I can do all things.”
When the handmaid selections were announced to the community, I received several phone calls. And there were a lot of different reactions that took place. The first reaction was that the women expressed a real sense of well-being at the coordinators’ understanding their need to have other women—to have women to talk to. And nothing had been done for them yet. And they were expressing their well-being and their understanding of the love of the coordinators. It wasn’t the love of the handmaid. It was the love of the coordinators, and their understanding that they needed women to talk to.
But then some other things began to take place. The women began sometimes to see us as “firefighters”: that whenever there was a fire in their relationship or in their household, call in the handmaid to put the fire out. And I can remember having lunch downstairs in the LaSalle Building with one of my sisters. And I was just having lunch. It wasn’t a handmaid situation at all. And I commented, “Well, you certainly have a lot of courage to be seen with me!” [Laughter.]
And another—I can remember another thing happening. I stood in the middle of a branch meeting one day, very paranoid. Nobody was coming up to talk to me. [Extended laughter.] What I thank God for is that that time is all over with. And that what the sisters see now is that there is no “me and them” in the relationship that the handmaids have with the women in the community. What they see is that we are sisters who are willing and ready to serve them in whatever way we can—that our desire is only to love them, to love them up as best we can, and just to serve them in whatever way we can. And that—I think what they’re beginning to understand is that that love is genuine. It’s not just a role. It’s not just a service. It’s not a job. It’s not because—just because the elders of the community have told us to do it. We love them and we want their lives to go better. That’s what’s important about being a handmaid. We love them so much.
[Third part:] The role of the handmaid in the People of Praise
The role of the handmaid is that of a helper. One Peter 4:10 says,
As each has received a gift, employ it for one another. . . . If you are a helper, render your service as one who renders it by the strength that God supplies, in order that God may be glorified.
So, we help in the People of Praise in four different ways. First, we’re a helper to the coordinator of a branch. Secondly, we’re a helper to all the women in the branch as a whole. Thirdly, we help individual women who need counseling. And fourthly, on occasion, the body of handmaids will be asked by the body of coordinators for input.
First of all, I want to talk about the relationship, and the way that the handmaid serves a coordinator. Before I do that, what I really want to caution you about is not to look at structure, because I think that we could get sidetracked by looking at structure. Each community is going to have a different structure. So I’m going to share with you the People of Praise structure, but mostly how the handmaid serves.I’d like you—what I want you to concentrate on is this: how she serves the coordinator, and how she’s a helper to the coordinator.
The handmaid is a pastoral helper to the branch coordinator. She helps him in his responsibility for instruction and formation of the women and children in his branch. She is under his headship and puts on his mind. She always seeks to understand his goals and priorities. She supports his vision and direction for the women in his branch. And although the overall vision for the women is to bring them to—into godliness and righteousness, each branch coordinator’s direction may vary according to the makeup of his branch.
For instance, in the People of Praise, we have one branch which is mostly young married couples, and the women in that branch are in the childbearing years. And in another branch, the couples are mostly families with older children, with many of the women in the branch either approaching menopause or even now going through menopause. So you can see that the priorities of the branch coordinator according to—as far as the women are concerned, will vary according to the needs of the women in his branch.
What the handmaid understands is the goal of her coordinator. She is the first to implement them [sic], and she communicates them to the women of the branch.
The handmaids in the People of Praise meet regularly with their branch coordinator. And during that meeting, he might direct her to do any number of things. And I’m just going to just list a whole lot of different kinds of things that she might be asked to do. Now, she’s not going to be asked to do all these things in one meeting, you understand. [Laughter.] She might be asked to give a teaching to the women in the branch. She might be asked to give a retreat; to meet with the leaders of the women’s groups; to meet with the teenage girls in the branch; to find someone to organize branch care for children; to meet with a new head, to give her a teaching on headship; to meet with a new woman in a branch, to welcome her and to answer any question that she might have. She might plan a party for the women in the branch. She might coordinate works of mercy with the single women—or—and—for the married women, such as service to sick sisters or to new mothers. She might spend some time in the hospital, just sitting with a sister. Or she might be directed to do individual counseling.
He might also ask her input on how the women in the branch are doing as a whole. In the past three years, the branch coordinator that I served asked me questions such as these: What place does prayer have in the lives of the women? Does it affect their relationship with their husbands and their children and their sisters? Are they in tune with the Lord’s word to them personally? In what areas of their lives are they experiencing victory? In what areas, growth? What are the new struggles they’re going through? Do they desire holiness? Are they experiencing order and peace through scheduling in their lives? Are they managing their lives daily? Are they being tossed around by the circumstances in their lives? Or are they managing them in peace and in order? Are they growing in hospitality? If not, why not? How can we help them? Are husbands and wives communicating? Are children being loved and cared for properly? Are women training up their daughters? Are the serv- —are the sisters serving one another? Are women’s needs being met?
So you see, the branch coordinator wants to really take care of the women in his branch. And he really wants the handmaid to be in touch with the women. The coordinator may ask a handmaid’s input on the makeup of women’s groups, the selection of leaders for women’s groups, how relationships are going on within the branch. He may ask her input on individual counseling situations.
So you can see that the branch coordinator expects his handmaid to be in touch with the women in his branch. She can do this as a sister by talking with them at social events, by talking with them during breaks in meetings, by meeting with the leaders of the women’s groups in his branch.
And we have found in the People of Praise that meeting with the leaders of the women’s groups has borne a lot of fruit. We meet with them every other month or so, and it gives an opportunity for the handmaid to be a sister to these women who also serve other sisters. It’s a time where she can encourage them and help them, and sometimes give them instruction. Also, she forms them just by being an example to them during that meeting. They can get an idea of how they should lead a meeting, by watching the way that the handmaid leads the meeting.
The leaders of the women’s groups sometimes feel inadequate to lead. Often, the leader’s own needs are not being met by the group she leads, because the group has some problems, or she doesn’t feel very much loved herself. And so, it is this meeting with one another and with the handmaid that gives these women a chance to be loved, and to receive encouragement and help, and to experience also a deeper level of sisterhood. They can share, within the context of this meeting, the good things that are going on in their women’s groups, and they can talk about problems in a general way. But we never talk about an individual by name. We always speak righteously. And if a leader has [an] individual problem, she can talk to the handmaid about that later, or she could talk to the branch coordinator about that.
These meetings are really supposed to be a real support and a time of sisterhood. They’re also supportive to the handmaid. And it also gives her a means of taking the temperature of the women’s groups in the branch, and it gives her an overview of the needs and problems and the strengths of the women in the branch. The leaders have consistently expressed real gratitude for this meeting. It’s—they’ve found it just to be an invaluable time of encouragement and support and growth.
Teaching for the leaders of the women’s groups is usually done on a community-wide basis. We’ve had four occasions where all the leaders have gathered together. Sometimes they’ll receive a teaching from the handmaid in the branch, but very often—most often we do it on a community-wide basis. And we don’t really do that much teaching at all.
The second way that the handmaid serves is by serving the needs of the women in her branch as a whole. She represents the needs of the women to the coordinator. She’s able to pass on to him overall needs of the women, as well as individual needs within a family or a household. As Jeanne pointed out earlier, anyone who wants to can speak directly to a coordinator about anything. But women usually like to talk to women about things.
The handmaid should take the women of her branch before the Lord in prayer regularly. I used to spend Tuesday mornings. I set aside that time, to take the needs of the women by name to the Lord. And also, if I knew any needs, I took those needs to the Lord. And I discovered very often as I did that, that the Lord would reveal a solution to a need, during that time of prayer. Or very often he would even reveal a need that the women as a whole had that I hadn’t known before. So the handmaid is the advocate of the women before the Lord.
I want to speak a little bit about relating as a handmaid to the coordinator who also happened to be her husband. First, there is a danger that we may take advantage of the husband–wife relationship, and not be as careful to be on time for our meetings, or to be careless in our speech patterns. We must always speak about a brother or sister as though that person were listening to our speech about him or about her.
There also is a great tendency to have a 24-hour-a-day, seven-day-a-week meeting with your brother coordinator if he happens to be your husband. [Laughter.] Very often a handmaid does call a branch coordinator between meetings for direction. However, if the branch coordinator is your husband, talking about pastoral matters over a glass of wine in a cozy restaurant may be cause for you to have to call in a handmaid. [Laughter.] A regular meeting to discuss pastoral concerns will eliminate an eternal pastoral meeting.
There is also a danger of taking concern for things which are not your concern. [Crowd murmur and laughter.] Sometimes we feel as if our husb- —because the coordinator is our husband, we can have an opinion about everything. Also, we need to remember that the women of the branch are not “my women.” [Laughter and background noise.]
Here’s a caution about serving a coordinator who is not your husband. This also requires a care and concern that you do not speak of that relationship in such a way that his wife might think that you are closer to him than she is. The truth is, you are not, and you must be sensitive to not making it sound that way in conversation.
Also, it’s good to have common sense and good judgment about where you meet. A public place is the best place to meet. The branch coordinator’s office is a good place to meet. There’s no reason to assume that other people will not be scandalized if you would meet in private.
The third way a handmaid serves is in individual counseling. Now in the People of Praise, we have a whole way that that is set up. And that may really be different from the way that it is going—the structure will be in your community. A handmaid may be asked to assist a woman in need of pastoral ministry by the coordinator. In other words, the coordinator would appoint a handmaid after speaking with the personal head of the woman and establishing the head’s desire, as well as that of the woman, for help. The coordinator most directly responsible for this woman initiates the relationship and terminates it.
Very often, a handmaid might be asked to meet with the woman one [time], a few times, or for a long period of time, but usually, she meets once a week or every other week for a given length of time. That can be determined, generally, after you’ve met with a woman maybe three or four times, how long you think the ministry may be.
The handmaid in the People of Praise is headed in the relationship either by the coordinator, or in some cases, if the woman is married, or not married, [? there may be words missing here] by the head of the woman’s husband. She would keep that person informed of how the relationship is progressing, what the problems are, the direction she’s giving, and other information he may need in order to oversee that whole relationship.
The handmaid also points out to the coordinator, or to whoever is overseeing that relationship, any adjustments that she might see need to be made. In other words, she would tell him how the relationship is progressing. She would tell him what the problems are, and the direction that she has given to the woman, and any other information that she feels is pertinent to the situation, so that he can really oversee that relationship.
The handmaid can also point out areas that she might see in which the husband needs to adjust or change in a living situation, that would help the woman to grow and resolve her difficulties. The handmaid never speaks to the woman that she’s counseling about the changes that she sees need to take place in her husband. She speaks rather of how the woman should behave, of how the woman should change. In fact, I have even said to women, “We are not here to talk about how your husband can change. We are here to talk about how you can change in order for the relationship to go better.”
The relationship of the handmaid in individual counseling: The handmaid is the sister found by her elders to be worthy of trust, and does not need to earn her sister’s trust. However, the sister that she serves may be so wounded and so bruised that she may have difficulty trusting. It may take some time to establish a relationship of love and trust. Very often, I found that the first meeting may be one of sipping tea and skirting the problems, talking about sewing, crocheting, housekeeping, baking, or other safe subjects. However, the handmaid with a discerning ear can very often pick up what’s going on in a relationship just through chat- —what looks on the surface to be chatting. When this can happen—in other words, when you can take the time to establish a relationship of love and trust—that is an ideal situation.
However, we can’t always have the ideal situation. Very often the handmaid does have to be a firefighter. She has to go into a situation that’s really desperate and take charge of that—well, not “take charge”: counsel the woman right away, find out what the problems are right away, discern the difficulty and give her direction, give her guidance.
The disposition of the woman being ministered to has a great effect on how quickly the Lord will be able to help her through difficulties. She may be completely open, trusting, and eager to hear the truth. Or, she may be closed, she may be hostile, or just embarrassed that she has had to call in a handmaid to help her. Usually, she is somewhere in between those two opposites. And frequently, she will vacillate between one and the other. A handmaid must not be intimidated or manipulated by a woman’s tears, by her hostility, by her anger, by her snide comments about you or your husband, charges that she finds you difficult to relate to, or that you do not really understand her situation. [You] should not be threatened by her age, her education or her social status, or her relationship to you. She may be a very good friend, or she may be a coordinator’s wife. You ought not to be intimidated by charges that you are not spiritual enough. These all may be a conscious or an unconscious attempt to undermine the handmaid’s authority.
And some practical principles in one-to-one counseling. Now, I’m just going to state them, and then I’m going to go into each one of them. First, pray before the meeting. Secondly, decide on a time, place, and length of the meeting. Third, listen with a discerning spirit. Fourth, speak the truth. Five, give practical examples. Six, encourage her. Seven, pray with her. Eight, show her affection. And nine, leave the result of the work to the Lord.
First, before a handmaid meets with a woman, she should pray for her. She should pray that the Lord will open her heart. She [the handmaid] should pray that she [the woman] would trust the handmaid, and be open to change. And the handmaid should pray for herself, asking the Lord to give her a love for the woman she counsels, a love that risks speaking the truth. She asks the Lord for all the pastoral gifts that she will need.
Secondly, set a definite time each week or every other week: an hour or an hour and a half or two. Usually after an hour and a half, you just begin repeating yourself, and also watering down the truth that you’ve already spoken. The place should be pleasant, but especially, it should be private, and somewhere where you’ll be free of interruptions.
Third, listen with a discerning spirit. Ask her how things are going, or how you can help her. If you’ve met before, ask her how things have gone since your last meeting. On the surface, listening appears to be passive. When we listen with a discerning ear, however, our spirits and our intellects are working. As we listen, we learn many things. First, is the problem she seeks help in the real problem? Second, what areas does she need help in—[brief pause in the tape here] say, sexual, relational, practical? So we need to discern the areas that she needs help in. Thirdly, as we listen we discern: what are the root causes of the problems? We need to see the problem within the context of the woman’s whole life, and not as an isolated problem. Four, what are you dealing with? Are you dealing with sin? If so, she [the woman] needs to change her mind, which means repent, change her behavior, use her will to be righteous, guard her thoughts, and be taught to [sic] deal with temptation. [Background noise.]
Are you dealing with Satan? [Background noise.] She needs to be prayed with, Perhaps she needs to be prayed with for deliverance . . . . Perhaps she needs to be taught spiritual principles of how Satan works in her life. The handmaid would submit to the coordinator, or whoever is taking oversight of the relationship, the suggestion of prayer for deliverance rather than undertaking that for herself. She may ask to be present at the deliverance, but she would not discern that the woman needs deliverance and then go into a lengthy deliverance on the spot. Teaching: does she need practical teaching, practical knowledge? Does she lack experience, training?
Let me give you some examples. A woman may seek the help of a handmaid because of a problem she believes is frigidity. After talking with the woman, the handmaid may discern that the problem is not frigidity, but self-love and/or pride. What the woman may need to do is to change her attitude and her behavior toward her husband, and show him affection, and decide to have a regular sexual relationship with him.
Or, the handmaid may discern that the problem is frigidity, but that the cause is a relationship problem. Perhaps her husband is not caring for her in the right way. Perhaps he really is domineering instead of protective. The handmaid helps the wife to make the righteous and loving response and gives input to the proper person on how the relationship needs to change. The wife must understand that it is not her role to change her husband, to change her husband’s behavior. She cannot control the way he acts. However, she can control the way in which she responds.
Or, the woman may need deliverance because the enemy has attacked her in the area of sex through past experiences, or an unfortunate childhood, or a fear of pregnancy. Or, she may have a physiological problem that can be cleared up very easily with proper medical treatment. Or, she may need teaching on sexuality and need to learn what to expect and how a woman usually responds sexually.
Usually, all three elements are used in every area that you would discern. You come against sin, you come against Satan, and you give practical teaching. Sometimes the woman has identified her problem erroneously. For instance, a woman may seek help for dealing with her rebellious daughter. But after meeting with her a few times, the handmaid can see that this woman is head of her house. She undercuts the authority of her husband, and she may need to repent of dishonoring her husband in front of the children. She may have even sowed the seeds of rebellion that she sees in her daughter. She needs teaching in how to be a loving and submissive wife, how to speak righteously, how to teach her children to honor and obey their father, how to train up her [brief gap in the tape here]. . . . She needs help to see that she will be happier and will benefit from proper order in her home.
Another example, a woman may need help to be submissive. She’s tired of being head of the house, paying the bills, taking charge of the children, nagging, and complaining. But after several months of repenting in the flesh, of learning to speak in right ways, learning how to be supportive, of being prayed with for deliverance, of deciding to be patient, and waiting for him to change and grow in headship, the woman is on the verge of a genuine breakthrough. But sometimes, if it will significantly alter some facet of her life that impinges on that of her husband, there will be a sudden collapse of the handmaid’s work. For instance, if the handmaid, after months of counseling, brought the woman to the point where she really desires to be submissive, to have her husband [be] head of the family, this is going to have an impact on her relationship with her husband. Suddenly this husband, who only a few months ago complained that he could not take authority over his rebellious household, sees that she is ready to be cared for and headed. And he balks. The couple who were shouting and quarreling just a few months ago suddenly “close ranks.” And the woman tells you, the handmaid, that she would get up in the morning and take care of her husband, but her husband insists that she sleep in to get the needed rest.
What her husband is really saying is this: “If you start to do that and I have to get up and make sure there is household prayer, I will have to start taking care of the finances. I will have to take time and effort to discipline the children, if you are going to back off. I will have to head the household. You will not do it any longer. And I’m not so sure that things were that bad before.” [Laughter.] This can be very depressing. But we can never be sure how God is working when he uses us in a handmaid relationship.
Fourth, speaking the truth:
(So, small number one, under number four; you can follow me, one truth at a time.): The handmaid may discern many areas that are out of order. But she should choose that area where the woman can experience certain victory and gain confidence in God’s power to change her, in her own ability to change, and the handmaid’s ability to love her through the process of change. We don’t have to attack everything at once. c
Second, speak the truth clearly, gently, firmly, and lovingly. We do not need to hit a woman over the head with the truth. The Lord said, “The truth will make you free.” Truth does its own work.
Third, do not apologize for the truth. Be straightforward, but gentle. Our attitude should not be “I’m so sorry, but this is what you need to do in order to. . . .”, or “I wish I didn’t have to tell you this, but. . . .”
Four, clear the way for her to hear the truth. Ask her a question. “May I tell you what I discern the difficulty to be, and what I think you may need to do about that?” The woman can get herself ready emotionally to hear the truth. [Brief pause.]
Fifth, speak the truth to her obstacles to the truth. For example, a handmaid may tell a woman she needs to change the way she gives input to her husband. And then she may give her many examples. The woman may respond, “I’ve always had a problem with my mouth. I should just stop talking. I’m no good, and I know that I can never change.” What the woman has done has—is [that] she has put up obstacles to her changing the way she speaks. Plus, she has spoken a lie about herself that gets her off the hook. The handmaid speaks the truth to each obstacle, helping the woman to understand that she is good, she is loved, but she needs to change the way she gives input to her husband. Discern the obstacles to hearing the truth. Is the woman saying, “I cannot,” or is she saying, “I will not”? If she is saying, “I cannot,” the handmaid should build up her faith in the power of Jesus. If she is saying, “I will not,” the handmaid needs to deal with rebellion, and lead the woman to repentance and a change of heart.
I think I just lost it with my numbers!
Number six, use examples from your own experience or that of others, always being discreet and not breaking confidentiality. This helps her to feel like she is not the only one who has ever had to change her behavior.
Seven, encourage her. Show confidence in her ability to change. Help her to see herself as changed. Hold up to her a model of holiness. We become saints by struggling for perfection. And help her have a sense of humor about it, and about the whole process, without losing the tone or the seriousness of the need for change or making light of the need—or making light of the pain involved in the process.
Eight. Pray with her. Plead the blood of Jesus on her difficulties. Ask the Father to bless her, and the Spirit to fill her with strength and courage and every good thing that she needs to become a holy woman. Hold up before her the cross and the resurrection of Jesus.
Eight—oh, nine. Be affectionate, and give lots of hugs, especially after a hard session, or even during a hard session. I’ve gotten up when a woman’s eyes have been filling up with tears and just . . . gotten up and gone over and given her a big hug. She needs to know that you love her and you can show her.
Ten, leave the results to the Lord. The work is not ours; it is the Lord’s. We must be pure of heart and pure of intention. Our attitude must be that of the servant of whom Jesus spoke: “I have only done my duty.”
The fourth way a handmaid serves is—on occasion, the body of handmaids supports the body of coordinators by giving input on subjects pertaining to the life of the women in the whole community. (That might have been a very abrupt change. I just went from individual counseling to another thing.) We might give them input on such things as showers or child care or women’s celebrations. However, we have been asked twice—oh, maybe—no, I guess we’ve been asked more than that—to give input. We’ve been asked twice to plan a big gathering of the women of the community, sort of like the one that we had last night. [Inaudible—”they were wonderful”?]]
[Julie’s voice is garbled, or perhaps tape is recorded over—“. . . tension of”?] the cross in the life of a handmaid.
Fourth [part]: The tension of the cross in the life of a handmaid.
At some point in time, the handmaid realizes with a shock that as she has assumed her servant role as handmaid, her other roles, that of wife, mother, woman of the household, head of other women, did not cease. [Laughter.] She may find herself struggling against resentment that her handmaid relationship takes up so much spiritual and emotional energy, that she has little left over. Or she may be annoyed with her husband when he expects her to leave her very important handmaiding task to go for a walk with him. [Laughter.] After all, she thinks, “I don’t interrupt you when you are working. Why should you interrupt me when I’m working?”
She is positive that she has lost her grip on the household when she sees dust on the end table and a button missing from her husband’s shirt. If a child chips a tooth or gets a B instead of an A on an exam, or a toddler is not responding to toilet training, the mother is certain it is because she’s neglecting her duties and her children. She recalls all the times they ran through the sprinkler during the summer. [Laughter.] It was really only three. Her false guilt is compounded when she misses a daughter’s volleyball game or hasn’t taught her daughter to sew. It seems she’s always leaving the baby with someone else. Her anxiety mounts when one of the women in her household has—that she’s heading, is going through some terrible crisis, and she’s positive she could have averted it if only she had been in tune with her, instead of being so absorbed in “handmaiding.”
The false guilt is real. The fight against resentment is real. The anxiety is real, and the doubt is real. And the struggle against them is real. And the struggle is the cross that the handmaid experiences. The Lord has told us that we must pick up our cross and follow him daily. Our Lord had Simon of Cyrene to help him carry the cross, and we have our help also.
[Fifth part:]The support for the handmaid.
First, her husband, if she is married; her personal head, if she is single. Very often, the handmaid experiences tension when she sets her standards for the way she knows her life ought to go, her priorities for what is important. Our husbands, or our heads, can help us deal with false guilt, tension, and anxiety. They can help us to see that our children really are growing closer to God. They really are becoming saints. The fruit of our life in service to the Lord is evident. Our husband or head can point out that if we adhere to the schedule and the priorities we have set with his guidance, instead of filling the time with other things, we do have time for him, or our children, or our other responsibilities. Men are madden—maddeningly objective.
Second, our women’s group. Our sisters can also speak the truth to us. Sharing how we have worked through situations that have caused us anxiety brings life. Laughing at our mistakes and our trials removes the sting, and keeps our life in perspective.
Third, the coordinator we serve. Being open with our personal schedule, and submitting our handmaid schedule to the coordinator can keep us from being overwhelmed. The handmaid needs to remember: the direction for the women of the branch is the coordinator’s role. She will be peaceful as long as she remains under his direction and protection.
And fourth, other sisters in the community, especially those in our household. This may mean letting go of some of our responsibilities. I have discovered that someone else can sew a button on my husband’s shirt. [Laughter.] Someone else can give my son a glass of 7-Up when he has the flu. Someone else can teach my daughter to sew—a hard one for me to let go of. I have had to make my needs known to my sisters.
Just recently, our 17-year-old— our 17-year-old was going to have her birthday, and I wanted to buy Monica an antique rocker for her birthday. I had a very limited budget. I do not know how to discern quality from junk. But I do—did know a sister that had the expertise to do that. And so I called her up, and I asked her if she would please buy an antique rocker for me. I told her the kind of rocker that I wanted, about the size that I wanted, and how much money I had to spend. She went out and bought the rocker for me. My father took the rocker to the strip shop and picked it up. I took it over to the sister’s house and she helped me stain it. Her husband glued it back together, parts that needed gluing. And then she put the last two finishing coats on it. We still have to go out and buy the upholstery fabric for a part of it. But I felt that Monica and I could do that together. We could hunt for the material together, and I can use the stapling gun. I can do that part.
Before, I would have felt obliged to do the whole thing myself, and to have given her this antique rocker all finished. And the Lord has shown me that I have to adjust my life to fit my role. That is a very hard thing for us, as women, to do: to let go.
The danger for the handmaid is that she will look back once she has put her hand to the plow, instead of keeping her eyes on Jesus. The Lord has made fantastic promises to those who have decided to work to build his kingdom. The handmaid must keep these promises ever before her, and count it a privilege that the Lord has found her worthy to stand in his presence and to serve him and his women.
[Recording ends here.]
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