This source presents several documents that show the progression of how guidelines for community wedding and baby showers came into being. Among other documents, it includes a memo from the handmaids to the coordinators and the coordinatorsâ final approval of shower guidelines based on the handmaidsâ input. Although the information about showers is important, the focus of this resource is the process by which the decisions were made.
[Note: Handwritten marginal notes in these documents appear in italics.]
I. MEMO
November 2, 1982
Memo: to Paul
from the Handmaids (the old handmaids)
Re: Shower proposal
Some general observations:
We were unable to come up with a concrete proposal, but rather our discussions revealed that we are unhappy with some aspects of showers in the community and would like them to change. In most cases, we were not uneasy about things in precisely the same way among ourselves, nor were we sure about how we wanted problems remedied. Thus this will look more like a memo regarding our discussions and less like a proposal.
Showers in the community have evolved into a certain pattern that seems almost universal, legalistic, and is becoming less attractive and enjoyable. While there is a need to provide for the material welfare of our sisters, more and more it is becoming a âburdensome responsibilityâ and less and less fun. The early community showers struggled to be âunworldlyâ and certainly this was a legitimate aim, since worldly showers, especially bridal showers, are not edifying generally and can be very crude. But, it seems to us that perhaps we have gone too far and have removed some of the fun from showers. They have become âimportant spiritual eventsâ in the life of the honoree and this aspect of showers in the People of Praise is the one we discussed most completely.
1. Prophecyâall of us (including the residential handmaids) are uneasy with most of the prophecy given at showers. Sometimes it simply seems to be âwrongâ; sometimes it seems to be teaching, criticism, exhortation, etc., given as prophecy; sometimes it seems to be just something encouraging or nice to say. Rarely, is it directive or actual foretelling, but when it is the honoree takes it very seriously and it has caused some problems and even heartache. (One woman received a very explicit prophecy about the sex of her child. Another woman, who actually lost her child at the end of the pregnancy, received a prophecy which simply didnât prove to be accurate.) There are no rules or order about prophecy at the showers and none of us was eager to see something set up for discerning prophecy. Some of us did not want to see it disappear from showers altogether, but we were certainly unanimous in wanting it to change and some of us felt it should not be a regular part of showers at all, ever. Aside from the problems just mentioned we wondered if a shower should be such an important spiritual event for the honoree. We also wondered if the women at a shower were present there as a body in the same way in which we are all present at a community gathering or a womenâs retreat/conference/day of recollection or womenâs night during community celebration.
2. Prayer âoverâ the honoree was universally approved by all of us as a good way in which to care for our sister, whether she is an expectant or new mother or about to be married.
3. Sharingsânot necessarily spiritual but sometimes they are. We felt that there are usually too many and they are usually too long. Usually at least three âplannedâ sharings are given. We felt sometimes they are too âteachyâ (I think we generally preferred sharings that honor the honoree, but that is not a widespread feeling, but that in fact, many prefer something more instructive, encouraging, etc., about motherhood or marriage.) Sharings tend to be a reflection of the womenâs group giving the shower. Sometimes they are delightful and funny but on one recent occasion, the sharings were completely negative and very disedifying. Sometimes a person is asked to give a sharing honoring the woman and she is unable to do that for some reason, possibly a personal problem with that woman that is still unresolved. We think that anyone asked to give a sharing should understand that she can decline without stating her reason.
Proposalâ*should be 2 -5 minute sharings
4. Should showers be evangelistic? Frequently one hears a bride say, âI am really looking forward to my community shower because I am sure it will impress my family and friends outside the community and they will admire us and change their attitude toward us,â or other remarks of that nature. I think we felt it is a mistake to assume that our showers will do everything we want in that area, but it is true that when a shower is done well, it does impress the family.
Other considerations:
1. We believe that handmaids should be consulted about showers. The handmaids meet with the heads of womenâs groups and if a set of guidelines does take shape, the handmaids can start teaching about them at this meeting (every other month), but we believe that as soon as possible, something should be said or done to make sure that when women start planning a shower, they contact the handmaid in their branch and ask her about their plans. Someone has to be âin chargeâ in such a way that real problems do not occur.
2. We felt that the showers do not have to be the same, that they can rather mirror the person honored and be a reflection of her tastes and personality
3. We also felt that they can be fun as well as spiritual. In other words games (appropriate) can be played or other fun things such as skits can be used. Problems with both of those suggestions: if the shower is super large, games cannot be managed very well and some skits are not funny or are funny only to the honoreeâs group because they are built around âinside jokesâ. A conversation with a handmaid might eliminate such problems. Certainly we have (rightly or wrongly) always viewed the showers as a vehicle for building sisterhood among the women and providing them with a time and place for enjoying one anotherâs company. So it seems proper for us to pray together and to sing songs together (spiritual songs) and to pray over the woman honored, but we also think that the time should be fun too.
4. Giftsâthere is a mistaken notion that it is worldly to think of gifts as important. The community has always stated that we need to care for one another in all our needs, including material needs. But one frequently (and still) hears the type of remark that indicates that some feel it is crass and unspiritual to have a shower in order to receive gifts! Guidelines should certainly include a reference to this and an explanation that we must make every effort to provide for our sisters. On the other hand, it is important that small or homemade gifts be accorded as much appreciation as larger ones, because some people simply cannot afford very much for this. In the past students especially have been somewhat lax about bringing a gift to showers. They need to understand that very small gifts are also thoughtful and appreciated and needed. For instance, an offer to babysit for a new mother or to run some errands for a busy bride-to-be can be written out and wrapped up as a gift and would be much appreciated.
5. Guidelines need to be established for how many people outside the community can/should be invited. If a woman has many friends and relatives outside the People of Praise, the guest list can be quite long and the womenâs group sponsoring the event may be unable to provide for such a large crowd. We think that this list should be limited, perhaps to the immediate family and that friends should only be invited if there are not any (or if there are very few) relatives in town who could attend. If the honoree has many friends outside of the community, perhaps she will be given another shower which these friends will support.
Sometimes this sort of âlong listâ is a desire to evangelize.
6. Those attending the shower who are not members of the community should be introduced and, if appropriate and within the means of the women giving the shower, perhaps honored in some way, i.e. a small corsage for the mother of the bride, etc..
7. Formats for showers tend to be somewhat rigid. Usually there are prayer and singing, followed by introductions. These include introductions of the women in the group and special guests. Usually there are some sharings, almost always âheavyâ in tone, but occasionally funny too. They are usually too long. Sometimes spontaneous sharings are requested as well. Sometimes these go well, sometimes not. The mother of the honoree may be asked to share. These sharings range from disastrously negative to very touching and upbuilding. It is probably a good thing to give the mother an opportunity to do this, but to ask her ahead of time and to make it easy for her to refuse to do so.
8. Refreshments and decorations are usually a reflection of the womenâs group. Sometimes they are delightful though simple; sometimes tacky and not at all âhonoringâ; sometimes overdone and âtoo much of a good thingâ. They should be simple and not too expensive. If a womanâs group cannot afford special decorations, they should use things they have or borrow nice table cloths rather than buying paper products which are quite costly.
This is an entirely different issue, but we do feel that the manner in which some showers are presented and the welcoming spirit (or absence of it) have a lot to do with the âstate of housewiferyâ in the community. If the women place a high value on homemaking and making a place for Christian life, the showers will reflect that. If they are poor housekeepers (and many women in the community are very poor housekeepers), the shower will not be as gracious, hospitable, pleasant and enjoyable as it could be. When showers are given in the home, they are usually smaller and sometimes more fun and more relaxed. When they are given at the LaSalle, they can be quite lovely in every way, but if they are inordinately small, there is a pall cast over the affair and the smallness of the group is exaggerated by the size of the Bronzewood room or the lobby.
10. Most women seem to enjoy the showers in the homes more, but obviously some showers are just too large for that.
11. The cost of a shower is mostly for decorations and refreshments. Flowers for the honoree and special guests are sometimes given and sometimes even the group giving the shower wear small corsages. Flowers for the table also can be used. Flowers are nice, but probably not necessary or, perhaps should be limited to the honoree and her mother (and/or mother-in-law to be) and if possible, something for the table. (authorâs noteâI have never understood the rationale for the women giving the shower having corsages, except that it readily identifies them as hostesses.) The womenâs group should act as hostesses and greet people when they enter and make them feel comfortable, paying special care to honor the special guests.
Costs can be a problem.* Usually the group asks other groups to help provide food. Usually the food served is something the honoree has asked for. There is now, because of divisions, a question of who should provide this help. If it is a bridal shower and she is in residential division, but is in a different branch than the head of her womenâs group [at this time, the term âbranchâ referred to what we now call an âareaâ], which branch supports the shower both by coming and bringing a gift, and by helping with the food? We have asked this question many times and have not resolved it, but it seems that showers should follow relational lines in their tone and support, so perhaps it makes sense to have the brideâs branch help out. If she belongs to a division and still has a womenâs group in residential div., who supports the shower? Certainly the smaller division could not support her very substantially without help from the residential division. All these questions apply in regard to baby showers too, except that most married womenâs residential division groups are organized along branch lines. However, there is another question: branches are too small to support a sister adequately, so should the shower not be attended by, supported, and âgiftedâ by the area rather than the branch???
We believe that some sort of RSVP request would be in order because at times it is hard to plan a shower, not knowing at all what the attendance will be. One can make an educated guess, but it is still hard to know for sure. Also, if a shower is going to be very poorly attended, a handmaid can be alerted to this and can perhaps make a few phone calls to encourage women to attend who might need this extra nudge.
*all feelings of comparison/competitiveness should be discouraged!
12. Attendanceâattendance at showers is a problem in several ways. Showers are almost always scheduled on Monday nights. This makes sense because it is the night most womenâs groups meet and so that night out is already built into most of our schedules and normally doesnât cause too much difficulty. However, there are some situations that are at least âtryingâ. First of all, what if your only womenâs group is a divisional group and you are from different branches and a shower is scheduled for a woman whom two of you know well and have a strong relationship with and the other three or four either know slightly or do not know at all. Does the group split for that evening? Does the entire group go? (Can we afford a gift for every shower given in the community?) Does the entire group not go? Should the group not meet that week and allow those who want to go to do so and those who do not to have a ânight offâ? Should the group schedule their meeting for another day or night . . . there are not that many options for more activities, especially at night . . . which is why showers are scheduled normally for the night when womenâs groups meet! Depending on how they feel about their group, women find all sorts of answers to these questions. We would like to have guidelines for making the decision. We also would like to see showers scheduled at other times, like Sunday brunch, or Saturday night. *see additional note.
Some women do not go to showers because they have no money for gifts. We feel they should bring a gift, even if it is only a card offering some sort of service, but we also feel they should attend those showers where their presence would normally be appropriate and expected. (relationship, branches, etc. .) We would like to see women eager to attend showers, anxious to support this sister and to spend time with all the other sisters.
13. After the sharings, the entire group usually prays with the honoree. This, we believe is a good thing to do, but this is when the prophecy occurs. (see #1) This part of the shower almost always lasts too long. Sometimes it seems likely that the expectant mother may well be in danger of fainting from all the âclosenessâ of her sisters gathered around her to pray for her. We feel this is a good practice, a good way to be sisters and, if it were ordered in a different way, could continue to be a blessing.
14. A big problem isâhow to open the gifts. If it is a small shower, it can be an embarrassingly and painfully short part of the shower! But, if it is a large shower, you may well be there until midnight opening gifts. Women tend to schedule this part of the shower along with the refreshments and âa time of fellowshipâ. Some of us feel that it is not polite to pay no attention to all the gifts so carefully chosen and lovingly wrapped. But how do you get everything done before 10 pm? Frequently women leave the shower during this time. It doesnât seem quite right, but it can get late. Sometimes each gifts is opened, admired, noted, and then passed around among the women seated in the room. Sometimes it is hastily opened, admired briefly noted (the donor(s) name(s) recorded) and placed on a table where everyone can come and look at it. Againâ5â10 gifts makes a fairly sad affair of the entire business, done either way! Sometimes there is a lot of rather noisy conversation and the honoree is left to open her gifts with only her helper watching.
15. At least one handmaid felt that the various services surrounding a shower should be mentioned and acknowledged, e.g., âthe decorations were done by so and so, the home is provided by so and so and you know how hard it is to prepare a house for a party, etc., etc. .â
15. We felt that the women need to return to the old âservant mentalityâ, that they have lost some of that because of the changes in the community. They need to learn how to celebrate together with flair, gentility and joy. Some of the showers are truly beautiful and enjoyable occasions. We felt that those which are not are a reflection of some deeper problems among the women and reflect a lack of the spirit of service and hospitality. Most showers are given by residential branch women and many of these women feel they are âleft behindâ and not important. The womanly values need to be re-emphasized and honored more than they have been lately perhaps.
The only clear proposals in this memo are underlined.
Additional note regarding attendance:
If the womenâs group agrees to attend showers together and there are showers on three Monday nights out of four, the womenâs group will not easily grow into the kind of sisterhood intended because they will not spend enough quality time together.
We propose that showers be scheduled ONLY once a month on Monday nights.
II. MEMO
TO: Residential Coordinators
FROM: Paul DeCelles
DATE: 11/23/82
RE: Recommendations from handmaids regarding showers in the People of Praise
(Synopsis of longer report)
1. All of us (including the residential handmaids) are uneasy with most of the prophecy given at showers. Sometimes it simply seems to be âwrongâ; sometimes it seems to be teaching, criticism, exhortation, etc., given as prophecy; sometimes it seems to be just something encouraging or nice to say. Rarely, is it directive or actual foretelling, but when it is the honoree takes it very seriously and it has caused some problems and even heartache.
There are no rules or order about prophecy at the showers and none of us was eager to see something set up for discerning prophecy. Some of us did not want to see it disappear from showers altogether, but we were certainly unanimous in wanting it to change and some of us felt it should not be a regular part of showers at all, ever.
No prophecy given at all.
2. Prayer âoverâ the honoree was universally approved by all of us as a good way in which to care for our sister, whether she is an expectant or new mother or about to be married.
ok
3. We propose that there should be two [reviewed] five minute sharings given and we think that anyone asked to give a sharing should understand that she can decline without stating her reason.
ok
4. It is a mistake to assume that our showers will do everything we want in the area of evangelism toward family members attending, but it is true that when a shower is done well, it does impress the family.
ok
5. We believe that handmaids should be consulted about showers. The handmaids can start teaching about them at the meeting held every other month with the heads of womenâs groups.
ok
6. We felt that the showers do not have to be the same, that they can rather mirror the person honored and be a reflection of her tastes and personality.
ok
7. We also felt that they can be fun as well as spiritual. It seems proper for us to pray together and to sing songs together (spiritual songs) and to pray over the woman honored, but we also think that the time should be fun too.
ok
8. Guidelines for gifts should include a reference to the fact that the community has always stated that we need to care for one another in all our needs, including material needs. An explanation that we must make every effort to provide for our sisters should be included in such a guideline.
ok
9. Guidelines need to be established for how many people outside the community can/should be invited.
ok
10. Those attening the shower who are not members of the community should be introduced and, if appropriate and within the means of the women giving the shower, perhaps honored in some way, i.e., a small corasage for the mother of the bride, etc.
ok
11. It is probably a good thing to give the mother of the bride an opportunity to share something, but to ask her ahead of time and to make it easy for her to refuse to do so.
ok
12. Refreshments and decorations should be simple and not too expensive.
ok
13. The womenâs group should act as hostesses and greet people when they enter and make them feel comfortable, paying special care to honor the special guests.
ok
14. We believe that some sort of RSVP request would be in order. If it becomes apparent that a shower is going to be very poorly attended, a handmaid can be alerted to this and can perhaps make a few phone calls to encourage women to attend who might need this extra nudge.
ok
15. Some women do not go to showers because they have no money for gifts. We feel they should bring a gift, even if it is only a card offering some sort of service, but we also feel they should attend those showers where their presence would normally be appropriate and expected.
[indecipherable marginal note here]
ok
16. We feel praying over the honoree is a good practice, a good way to be sisters and, if it were ordered in a different way, could continue to be a blessing.
ok
17. We propose that showers be scheduled ONLY once a month on Monday nights.
clarify
III. MEMO
TO: Handmaids and Heads of Womenâs Groups
FROM: Chris Ramsey
DATE: April 4, 1983
The guidelines regarding showers that we sent to you last week are the guidelines which were recently approved by the coordinators. Paul DeCelles wanted you to have these for future reference.
Guidelines for Community Showers
Attendance and Gifts
â The community has always stated that we need to care for one another in all our needs, including material needs. We must make every effort to provide for our sisters.
â Some women do not go to showers because they have no money for gifts. They should bring a gift, even if it is only a card offering some sort of service, and they should attend those showers where their presence would normally be appropriate and expected. Women in the honoreeâs area are expected to come; others may come. (Guidelines for womenâs groups involving different divisions are yet to be determined.)
â The number of people outside the community who can/should be invited is limited.
â It is a mistake to assume that our showers will do everything we want in the area of evangelism toward family members attending, but it is true that when a shower is done well, it does impress the family.
â Those attending the shower who are not members of the community should be introduced and, if appropriate and within the means of the women giving the shower, perhaps honored in some way, e.g., a small corsage for the mother of the bride, etc.
â Some sort of RSVP request is in order. If it becomes apparent that a shower is going to be very poorly attended, a handmaid can be alerted to this and can perhaps make a few phone calls to encouarage women to attend who might need this extra nudge.
Tone
â Showers can be fun as well as spiritual. It seems proper for us to pray together and to sing songs together (spiritual songs) and to pray over the woman honored, but the time should be fun.
â Refreshments and decorations should be simple and not too expensive.
â Showers do not have to be the same, but rather can mirror the person honored and be a reflection of her tastes and personality.
â The womenâs group should act as hostesses and greet people when they enter and make them feel comfortable, taking extra care to honor the special guests.
Sharings
â There should be two specially prepared and reviewed five-minute sharings given. Anyone asked to give a sharing should understand that she can decline without stating her reason. We expect others to share spontaneously and relatively briefly.
â It is probably a good thing to give the mother of the bride an opportunity to share something, but to ask her ahead of time and to make it easy for her to refuse to do so.
Prophecy and Prayer
â No prophecy is to be given at showers.
â Prayer âoverâ the honoree is a good way in which to care for our sisters, whether she is an expectant or new mother or about to be married. It is a good practice, a good way to be sisters, and if ordered properly, can continue to be a blessing.
Handmaidsâ Role
â Handmaids should be consulted about showers.
â The handmaids can teach about showers (as necessary) at the meeting held every other month with the heads of womenâs groups.
Frequency
(Guideline is being requested for a limit to the number of showers to be scheduled within a given month, but needs further clarification.)
IV. PROPOSAL FOR SHOWERS IN THE PEOPLE OF PRAISE:
[Note: This is an earlier (1975) proposal for showers in the community]
1. There should be only one shower preceding a. wedding. This could be community wide, or within the brideâs branch, or a combination of her branch and the groomâs branch. It should, however, be open to members of other branches who have a strong desire to attend.
2. There should be a shower only for the first child in a family, preferably limited to the branch and including those who have a strong desire to attend even though they are not part of that branch.
3. Showers should be regarded as a joyful occasion and an opportunity to serve the needs of expectant parents in a material way and to provide household needs of couple about to be married. The women of the community should not regard them as a burden but rather as a real act of love and concern for the needs of their brothers and sisters. They are entirely resonant with our covenant agreement with each other and any hint of displeasure about being invited to provide a gift is really not harmonious with the covenant. However, there should be safeguards against these requests becoming burdensome or painful. Thus showers should be limited as noted in the first two points above. Showers have as their purpose providing material things. But they should not be disdained because of that. The needs are real and we have agreed to provide help in those needs.
4. Showers should be centered on Jesus. We have not yet effectively worked out ways to implement that mandate. There is room for experimentation in this area. The party held for Ginny Timler and Maggie Marsec included some prayer together, some singing, and then a âledâ sharing about children. The mothers were asked to share something precious about a child, especially the first child, that would build us up in the Lord; or something they would do differently with their children, particularly the first child, if they could do it over. Everyone seemed quite comfortable doing this and the two expectant mothers were very much built up by it. The only difficulty was that the original description of the type of sharing to be given was somewhat obscured and too many women shared âlaborâ experiences which were for the most part edifying but could have become something undesirable. The sharing was followed by all the women gathering around Maggie and Ginny and praying with them for safe, easy deliveries and for a blessing on them and their husbands and children.
After this the gifts were opened and then refreshments were served.
There may be ways to alter the worldly model we have experienced in past at these parties more than was done at this shower described. But even if we do not find these new models swiftly, I believe that the ladies in the community should take it as a responsibility of loving concern to attend the showers at least those for women in our own branch. It is an opportunity to be together with our sisters not only to pray but to just learn to know each other better and more completely. The prayer and sharing are good ends in themselves, but they also not only draw us into union around Jesus, but they help us just to know more about each other and are really more effective âbreaksâ than the community meeting âbreaksâ since they are in a more intimate home-like environment.
5. The cost of refreshments could be borne by the community in the same way that the âbreakâ refreshments are purchased. Sometimes people are asked to bring punch or cake or cookies, etc. . I personally prefer not to do it that way but I would be willing myself to do it another way. In the case of the party described here, two ladies shared the expenses, thereby relieving the guests of that added responsibility and letting them be more âguestsâ. Maybe that is not as âcommunity orientedâ a way of doing it as we should, but it has some merits, especially since the guests are bringing gifts. But it does seem to go along with Paulâs advice that those whose gift is liberality . . . . should give liberally. (Romans 12) âHaving gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them. . . . he who contributes, in liberality; he who gives aid, with zeal; he who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.â
Friends outside?
[signed] Jeanne D.
Copyright © 2022 People of Praise, Inc.