Clem Walters gave this talk about menâs groups to leaders of various communities associated with the People of Praise in 1983. He explained what they are, why we have them and what makes them work well. They are a major element of community life, the living cells or building blocks of the People of Praise. The strength of a community is measured by the strength of these groups, not by numbers or ministries. He included a short teaching on friendship.
Transcript
This document is a direct transcript of an audio recording, and may contain transcription errors and other minor edits for the sake of clarity.
CLEM: . . . Years ago, you had a watch that just had numbers and a big hand and a little hand. That was kind of the firstâyour first watch. And then some years later, they came out with these new-fangled watches that were dual function, you know, where youâd have a time and youâd push the button, and youâd have the date. And then a little later, I had one that was a six-function; [it] included an alarm and a stopwatch. And, boy! It had a light in it and everything like that. Now I want you to know that I have a new watch. This watch is a seven-function watch. And when you set the timer at the time that youâve appointed, thereâs a little jet that comes out and opens, and fires you to the other end of the room! [Laughter.]
So if I go over 30 minutes, I need a couple âcatchersâ right over there. [Laughter.] Iâm supposed to be the straight man [laughter] in the topic of menâs groups and womenâs groups, and Iâll try hard, brothers. Much of what I say about the small groups in the People of Praise will apply both to menâs groups and womenâs groups, as well. We see the small groups as the basic unit, or we might say the living cell, of the community. And Iâm not going to put up my hand and have you count the number of cells in the hand. [Laughter.] You might say that the small groups, menâs and womenâs groups, are the fibers making up a very beautiful cloth, or a cloth that could be very strong.
We believe that the community as a whole is no stronger than these individual cells of menâs groups and womenâs groups. So, community population, or maybe variety of ministries that you have, are inaccurate criterion [sic] I believe, for measuring the strength of the community. In this case, there is no safety in numbers, but rather considering the strength of the small groups.
Now, why are the small groups so important? I believe that theyâre important because they demand life changes. Large meetings allow for observers. How many âback-row Johnnysâ do you know that have been in the large meeting for two or three years without ever opening their mouth? Or to be more accurate, how many âback-row Clemmysâ do you know that could hide out back there for many years, at least before we, here, understood these principles? Small meetings require active participants. Thereâs only a few people. You canât hide out. Thereâs no one seated in front of you.
Now, menâs groups and womenâs groups must be regular. We believe that they must be weekly. We believe that they should be at least a minimum of three hours in length. And in some cases, itâs great if they go on to four to five hours, depending on what the women might be doing at a particular time. We believe that only community members, committed brothers and sisters, should be in the womenâs group or in the menâs group. That is, there are people there that you can count on. There are people that have the same commitment as you.
We believe the groups should be taken very seriously. Itâs not just another meeting, or itâs not just another thing that you do, but itâs of extreme importance. So the groups must be taken sincerely. The menâs groups should be very manly: manly in character, manly in prayer, manly in the way that you would approach Scripture and community teaching. And on the other hand, the womenâs group should be very womanly, and should be led in the way by a mature woman.
The group should be confidential. We as men must be extremely selective at what we go home [with] from our menâs group and share with our wives. We must never break a confidence of our brother or brothers. As coordinators, we have to be careful not to press our wives when they come home from their womenâs groupâpress them where they may break a confidence of one of the sisters. She must be selective in what she shares with us about her womenâs group, even if we are coordinators or the heads of the community. We believe the optimal size of the small groups to be four to five. We believe six or seven in a group allows for spectators.
We also believe that each group should have these elements.
First of all, prayer of a number of kinds. Each group should have a time of praise and worship, as an element of prayer. Each group should have a prayer of intercession for others. Groups should pray over one another for healing or for needs. Over the years, Iâve had an occasionâmany occasions, to have asked my menâs group to pray over me and to have been healed right on the spot. That is, to have gone into the menâs group ill and come out of the menâs group well. God heard the prayers of my brothers, and acted immediately.
Another element of each of the small groups should be sharing of lives, sincere sharing of lives of the past week. For menâs groups, there could be sharing of what was done for others, that is, what acts of charity for others outside your group or outside your familyâor outside the community, for that matter. Has anyone evangelized others, proclaimed the gospel? Those are very good things to share. The menâs groups were never meant to be turned in on the communityâturned in, only sharing that activity or community activityâbut rather was [sic] intended to be a source of strength for being Christian brothers in caring for others in the neighborhood, and others that we come in contact with.
Another element of the small groups would be the review of responsibilities. This would beâmainly, this would be for the menâs groups. That is a review of our responsibilities and our commitments. And clearly, as we come into the community, we learn of all kinds of new responsibilities that we may never have known that we have: that is, to be a spiritual head for our family; to bring Christ to the marketplace, as an example.
. . . . To share about our personal prayer. Have we gotten our personal prayer in, and if not, why not? Did we get our family prayer in, or our household prayer during the past week? What has the Lord been saying to us in our household prayer? Those are all things that ought to be shared in a good menâs group.
For the menâs groups, there should be a study of Scripture and community teaching as anâon an ongoing basis. Not only a study of Scripture and community teaching, but a sharing of how we were able to apply it, the application of that Scripture or that community teaching in our lives.
Each of the menâs groups should have an orientation towards the future as well. That is, we should be leading one another onward and upward, so that we might become more Christlike in our thoughts and our actions.
Now, there are different types of menâs groups in the People of Praise. First, Iâll share about the basic unit. The basic group is one that weâd call a âpastoral care,â or âgovernanceâ group. Itâs something like youâd find in the Exodus 18, a Scripture where Jethro tells Moses that heâs going to kill himself if he continues to be the only pastor, and that he needs to select a number of God-fearing men and break them down in smaller groupings for governance and for pastoral care. In our pastoral care, or governance, groups, there certainly are elementsâsome elements of discipleship present. The leader must be a role model for the other brothers. The leader must be able to inspire the others. In this basic group, information and formation occurs.
The leader must be able to communicate wellâthat is, convey our way of life, the community way of life, or to convey our culture as weâve developed it over the yearsâin a very natural way, a very manly way. You can also see that the leader must have a gift of teacher, pastor. He must be able to judge accurately and fairly.
Itâs in this basic group that new men are educated into their new-found way of life, being men in the community. Itâs in theâthis group that the new men are helped in their responsibilities in family, and the larger family, the community. Itâs in this group that men are tied into the community. That is, thereâs a link, a vine, an attachment. So you might view each of the menâs groups, the small menâs groups, linked together, each one as a cell, making up the whole community.
The head of this pastoral care and governance group must be capable of giving personal headshipâon a one-to-one basis, and also giving personal headship in the group itself. Itâs his challenge to make the group something the men want to belong to, where they might look forward to going to their menâs group. In other words, if he does his job right, members should soon forget that the menâs groups are required. They forget about that. They look forward to it. Members take initiative to have additional weekly contact outside of that one meeting a week. Possibly, theyâll be together socially during the week, taking initiative to have meals together, or to celebrate the Lordâs Day together, or to have vacations together.
I can remember some years ago, our menâs group decided that we would take a family vacation together. And there were 17 people, including the children, who rented this lake cottage up at Indian Lake, I believe. And there were 17 people and one bathroom. Poor Dick Keusch! We made this agreement that the way you got into the bathroom, it was the youngest person first. And Dick was last. It was an opportunity for charity and love to prevail. [Laughter.] I think, Dick, you said that you never once approached the bathroom when it was full, right?
[Manâs voice responds from audience (inaudible).]
CLEM: Never had a problem. Praise God.
At some point, [after] being in this basic governance pastoral group, maybe several years, the men in many ways begin to know everything. Itâs like they have gone through the formation series in the community, and they really have been indoctrinated, and have been able to move their families well, to being families dedicated to Christ.
At that point, the group should evolve, we believe, into a friendship group. A big change occurs at that point, and Iâm going to be explaining that. This transition to a friendship group is similar to the Lordâs saying, âI no longer call you my servantsâ (or âI no longer call you my disciples,â depending on your translation), â. . . but I call you my friends.â Thatâs from John 15, verse 14 [this is verse 15]. In this switch to a friendship group, the members naturally move to friendship, and friendship love for each other. The men begin to let others into their hearts. And in this case, the women also, as they develop their friendship groups. You allow the person into your innermost being. Thereâs nothing held back and there are no secrets. And thereâs a high degree of unity.
The example of that you could find in 2 Samuel [1 Samuel], a reading about David and Jonathan. âAnd Jonathan, the heir to the throne, said to David, âYou will be king, and I will be your right hand manââ [1 Samuel 23:17, paraphrased]. That is, Jonathan desired the good of his friend over his own interests and his own desires. Friendship groups have to have an element of give and take. There should be constant striving for unity of heart. The head of the group becomes, rather, something like its leader, or its chairman. He is the first among equals. Heâs not in the position where he talks down. He never talks down to his brothers; he never lords it over his brothers. But rather, heâs a brother in Christ. He happens to be, maybe, an older brother in Christ or the first among equals.
Now, when you begin to glimpse the idea, or even the possibility, of your groups evolving from pastoral governance groups to friendship groups, you have to consider that some of those groups can neverâthat can never occur. It can never happen in some of the groups. And the reason that it canât happen is that the original makeup of the group makes it impossible. That is, the men that you have in the groups have widely diverse interests, background[s], or age[s], or different state[s] in life. They have a different manner of doing and being, often radically different manners of being and doing. You might find that the leader or members are incapable of being or becoming friends. That is, they have no vision for it. They see no value in it. Or there might even be some character flaws of self-centeredness, selfishness, pride, or distrust or disloyalty that will not permit it to happen.
That is, you have some people that constantly keep other people at armâs length. Now, in our case, where some of the older groups were incapable of evolving into friendship groups after being together for many years, weâve done some regrouping and restructuring of our menâs groups. And this is onlyâweâve only done this a short time ago, but we already can see some fruit being borne, and find some success in this regrouping. Some men are finally, after many, many years of being in a menâs group, enjoying them, and beginning to capture a vision for brotherhood and unity as they grow together as friends.
We believe that more care must be given in forming the groups, to allow friendships to occur. If youâre as large as some of us [communities], geographical branches can be a problem. If you just put people who happen to live in the same neighborhood or in the same general area, if you force them into certain groups, you have to take into account the possibility of that group evolving into a friendship group, we believe.
Now, here are some things that you need to consider to allow this new dimension to occur. We believe that age and state in life are important, when you consider assigning people to menâs groups. We believe that where possible, you can put single men together. Or put single for the Lord men together. Or to consider [putting] marrieds and the unique pressures [sic] on newly marrieds together. Or the possibility of grouping middle marrieds together, or the older marrieds together.
Weâve had great success in putting our widows together. Finally, after years of having them inâsprinkled into other groups, we have found a great success in putting our widows together. They are great prayer warriors! Theyâre praying for this meeting. Iâm sure that as you go out of here and you discover that it went very well, that a part of that is because the widows have been praying, have been interceding. They pray around the clock once a month for us.
Here are some other dimensions to consider. Itâs helpful to have, for friendships to occur, similar interests or work or jobs. That is, the same manner of being and doingâpeople that think alike, or you might use the term, people who tend to be on the same âwavelength,â or similar chemistry: people that just seem to âclickâ together. Youâve heard someone say about a friend, âI donât even have to explain. You know, I get halfway through the sentence; my friend knows what Iâm going to say.â There is that oneness of heart.
Now, although new men must go into a pastoral/discipleship group, we believe that care should be exercised in making that group up initially. If youâre responsible for putting together a menâs group, you should ask yourself, âIs there a chance that this group can evolve into a friendship group three to four years from now? Is there potential there for it ever evolving into a friendship group?â
Iâd like to touch on some additional elements necessary now for friendships, at least, I believe. I believe that you must have a mutual harmony of mind and spirit, coupled with affection and active support of one another. There must be developed a high degree of agreement and similarity on most levels of the personalityâthat is, the same âmanner of being.â A substantial expressed affection must be present in the friendship relationships and in the group. And you can do some of the same things youâd do for any friend. Ways that you express that could be in buying gifts for your friend or your friends in the group, or being available to your friend or your friends. It would affect the way you speak about your friend or your friends in the group. Itâs certainly more than just an arm around your friend or your brother. Thereâs something tangible that occurs in this relationship, and a way to express this affection.
The parties need to actively do things for one another. We all have roofs, or most of us have roofs. Most of us have automobiles. We can share them. We can serve one another. We can help one another. We can go out and enjoy one anotherâs company, having a good time as brothers, as men.
To be a friend, I believe that we have to be absolutely unselfish. We have to have the other personâs best interests at heart. Just like Jonathan had the best interests of David at heart. Itâs absolutely clear to me that friendships âfor advantageâ never work, not long-term. Also, Christ must be a party in a Christian friendship. Christ must be a part of the group, or a part of your relationship with your friend.
I believe another essential element to friendships is loyalty. I believe that loyalty is the cement of friendships. That is, loyalty is like the guardian of friendships. Loyalty needs to be cultivated. Often, if you go through some great difficulty in pain together with another person, another brother or a group, you bond. You form a bond of loyalty in that difficulty, in pain that youâve gone [through] together. It strengthens our relationship. You think back of the friends that youâve had in your life; most of those friends are people that have been with you through good times and through bad times. Theyâre present when the chips are down, as well. And in fact, it might have been that very act that bonded you as friends, some years before.
I believe that discretion is the guarantee of the friendshipâs permanence, its stability. We must be able to keep a confidence. We must be able to live prudently.
The element of patience must be present. When Jack was speaking of the element of patience in headship and submission, I was nearly jumping up and down back there, because it absolutely has to be present. Friendships take time and effort to achieve. Over the years, you might think how many men have passed through your life who you thought were your friends. Many, many men over the years have passed through our lives that we thought were our friends. You cannot do it cheaply. Friendships take time and effort to achieve.
Having said what Iâve said about encouraging friendships and friendship love, we must remember that our first commitment in the community is to build brotherhood and servanthood. We can never allow friendships to be divisive, or friendships to leave others out, or have any type of clique mentality. But possible friendships must be seriously taken into account as we set up our groups, I believe.
Now other groups of men are also possible. There are functional groups that are possible, that are organized to do a work together. In the People of Praise we have some functional groups, in the divisions that are grouped together to do a particular work within the community. Itâs possible to have an intellectual menâs group. We donât have any at this time in the community, but itâs very possible to do that. Itâs not that we donât have the smarts for it [a smile in Clemâs voice; laughter from the audience]. Itâs just that weâre busy with other things.
I believe that for years weâve held up the pastoral model, or the pastoral track, for men to travel. And it was the only way when people came into the community, new men in particular. They soon saw that the only way to really âget ahead,â that is, to be someone, or to one day be a coordinator, was to be a good pastor, go down the pastoral track. They saw it as the only way to get ahead in our society. I believe, and we can all agree, that many men have other gifts and talents. Why not group them accordingly?
Iâd like to close with a couple verses from 1 Corinthians 12 to make my point. âFor the body does not consist of one member, but [of] many. If the foot would say, âIâm not a hand; I do not belong to the body,â that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the ear should say, âBecause Iâm not an eye, I do not belong to the body,â that would not make it any less a part of the bodyâ [1 Cor. 12:14â16 RSV]. And what have you. And Iâm going to jump down a verse, now: 18. âBut as it is, God arranged the organs in the body, each one of them as he chose. If all were a single organ, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one bodyâ [1 Cor. 12:18â20 RSV]. And my prayer is that that one body is the body of Christ.
Amen.
[Applause.]
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