In this text version of a talk given in 1985 in Servant Branch, Nano Farabaugh taught people how to assist others in praying through a state-in-life decision. She described the different states of life and the benefits of praying about and making a clear decision.
First I would like to begin by defining some terms. Let’s look at the difference between state in life decision and state in life. When we make a state in life decision it means merely choose a state in life. I am going to spend the majority of the talk discussing the state in life decision. I want to talk a little bit about state in life.
Today when John Hennegen and Karen Cramer in the South Bend branch marry their state in life will change. Their life will be entirely different. Their condition of life will include a permanent commitment to one another, a life together that is open to children; a virtuous dying to self, to each others [sic] needs and the needs of their family; and giving up their own will to one another. Karen will take on John’s name. He will be responsible to care for her as Christ cares for his body, the Church. They will no longer lead a single state in life for they have chosen to serve Christ and the body in the married state. That is the married state in life.
There are three others: single and open to being married, single for a cause, and the last is single for the Lord.
Let me address the second: single and open to being married. When one chooses this state in life, I have been told that some can notice a variety of changes in the persons’ appearance, their behavior, availability and even visibility. Singles in this state do live in a particular way which promotes the possibility of their marrying. Our body does support their living in this singleness and we should continue to do that and to provide good, wholesome type [sic] of activities for that. I think as John mentioned, the world supplies things like single bars and other things to foster that state in life that are very degrading and really don’t help singles to live out that state in life. For those who have chosen to be open to marriage it must be clear that you are not choosing getting married next week or even next month. That takes two people to decide that. You are deciding to be open to marriage.
As the questions from the last session addressed, there are also our brothers and sisters who have chosen to be open to marriage, yet it appears they will or they may remain single. They do need a lot of tremendous support on our part because they will experience rejection, loneliness, inability to find a right place and a slew of other things that I am sure some of you there can identify. I was delighted when I heard that there would be heads of singles here because I think that we all need to hear these types of teachings too and that as heads and pastors we need to be particularly sensitive to the needs of those singles who are open to marriage but it may not be on the horizon. We need to help them to live their lives not just as in a holding pattern but one that can be rich in Christ and in this body.
The third state in life: single for a cause. This state in life may be chosen by a brother or sister to devote themselves to the care of an elderly parent, a particular career or even to a particular cause. I would say, and this is my example now, I would say that Carol Quest is doing that this past year and spending the time in Grenada. I don’t mean to say that she is not open to marriage but in some ways she is devoting that time in Grenada to being single for the work of the People of Praise in mission. Another example is you could consider a person who would want to be a Noble [sic] Prize winner, let’s say in chemistry, and they would consider that to do that. They would maybe need to work 12-14 hours a day devoting themselves to that, that maybe that would be something God would call them to. Responding to this type of commitment requires their fashioning their life in a particular way. They have to live out their life in a particular manner.
The last state, single for the Lord as Joel spoke to so eloquently, is simply that brothers and sisters choose this state to imitate the Lord more, to live a life solely dedicated to Jesus.
So we see with each state in life a particular life style that supports the way of living it. This is fairly clear, I hope, but how do we know which state to choose and how to chose [sic] it?
Before Jesus began his public ministry and before he went to Calvary, he prayed. We know that he was tempted and he prayed when he was in the desert, and we know that he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemene and he asked his father to bring about his father’s will not his own. It is as though the father drew Jesus aside, his son, and he called him to come away so that he might be prepared for what was to come in his life. Now we need to understand that Jesus didn’t just go aside and then prepare by himself. “Well I think I’ll get ready for what will happen.” Instead the preparation was brought about through God and man uniting their mind and will. The spirit of God transforming the God-man, preparing him for what was to come. Our praying through our state in life is like Jesus’ preparation. It is a time of extended prayer to come aside with Christ. To go into a desert, so to speak, and to seek to be united with God’s will. Our state in life prayer will not only empower us to make the decision but it will also prepare us for what lies ahead.
When I began to pray through my state in life I merely regarded it as a time to make a decision and after a few weeks I didn’t have any answers, I didn’t have my decision. I was getting discouraged at that point and it became more and more clear to me that there was more to it than just finding out an answer. It was an opportunity for me to set my vision on the real end in my life—God—and not just the particular state in life. So when I prayed through my state in life I came away from that prayer time with my life changed from having gone to Christ. I had an answer. But I would say the more important thing [sic] that my life was changed from having gone to Christ.
Some of you may ask, “Do I need to pray through my state in life? I know I want to be married, I always have and have never desired anything else.” Or some have always known that they have had a particular call to be single for the Lord. I would say in those cases where your state in life decisions seem to be rather obvious, it would be helpful for you to take a little time and consider God’s will. It may be almost that it really is obvious. You may know what is the right thing for you, what is your make-up, what you can actually do but it would be a good thing to also consider God’s will. In this way you are considering it for the sake of the Lord. You have an opportunity at that time to give it over to Christ, to give over your decision what you have always thought was the right thing for you. Give it over to the Lord, sanctify it so to speak. So when we make our decision, we can make it with confidence and with conviction that what we have chose [sic] is in accord with God’s will and it is the right decision for us. I know folks who have this torment of guilt, even those who are married, wondering if they should have done something else. We don’t have to live like that. We can consider our state in life and then be sure and confident that we are doing what is God’s will for us and give him that decision.
A friend of mine told me she was fearful to pray through her state in life because she had always wanted to be single for the Lord and she was afraid that God would ask her to be married. Now I think most people are afraid that God will ask them to do just the opposite, so when they are in that case they would rather not pray at all because they are afraid that God would ask them to be single for the Lord. Ellen faced this every day by praying simply for God’s will to be revealed in his own time. Her final decision was made without any fear and with real confidence that God really did want her to be celibate. She hadn’t missed it: she hadn’t missed what God had wanted for her.
Then there is the group of people over here who could say they may not be so sure or normally you would have thought about being married, but yet you haven’t yet considered other options. I think those people should take time to pray more at length through their decision. I think you can compare praying through your state in life to planning for a long trip. We may have a very good idea of where we are going but if we don’t prepare adequately we may not get there. One person told me that it was his experience that praying through his state in life, that whole experience of going through that, spiritually armed him for his married life. He said without it he would have had real difficulty in dealing with the usual trials that come up in a married life. Even if you have prayed through your state in life decision before, you can do it again. I took a poll the other day—out of ten women I asked, six had prayed at least twice and three of those others had prayed more than twice. I share that not to make you nervous but to encourage you that it is possible to pray again, to take some time aside and consider your state in life decision.
What can we expect when we pray through our state in life? First of all expect God’s movement in your life. Any time that we make a fervent move to God, in God’s direction, he will respond in our lives. “Ask and it will be given you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be open to you.” We are seeking, we are knocking and opening our hearts to our Lord. He will not refuse us. It is also a time when we can expect to grow more spiritually. It is a time in which you will be enlightened about states in life so that you can make an intelligent, a well-informed decision. One woman told me that it was during this time that she got rid of a lot of false notions about marriage. It really assisted her to not take unrealistic and impossible expectations into dating relationships and even into her subsequent marriage. It is a time for singles to learn about all the states in life so that they can equally admire them and support their brothers and sisters in any state in life. Support one another in the body in living out any of the states in life that we have been called to.
Finally we can expect that God wants our happiness and what is good for us. “What man of you if his son ask him for bread will give him a stone? Or if he ask for a fish would give him a serpent. If you then who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him.” Many of us resist praying through our state in life and even when we may enter into that, we may not throw ourselves into the whole process. They are afraid they will be asked to be single for the Lord. He may, (he did with me) but in reflection, when I came to the point in my prayer, I knew that that was what only God would ask to bring about a good thing in my life, to bring about happiness in my life. God will only ask us to do what we can and what would be good for our lives. We can trust in that. We may not enter into it with fear.
For the last part of this talk I want to speak about the practical aspects of this prayer. I want to suggest four guidelines to follow and then a process of praying.
1. Don’t regard this decision as the most important one in your life. Granted, it is an important decision but not the most important one. Our choosing Christ was the most important decision in our life. Some may place so much weight on this decision that we really lose the benefit of the rest of our prayer and the decision becomes the end focus of their life, not the means to the end of being with Christ. I remember when my head suggested that I start praying through my state in life, considering a decision. Right away I remember romantically thinking, “Oh, in two months I will know what I will be doing for the rest of my life.” It was just so paramount of a thing to enter in to and I only wanted an end, and answer. This proved to be a big problem for me in responding and being attentive to the Lord because all I wanted was the answer. So as we sorted that out it became clear that that wasn’t the right time for me to pray through my state in life.
2. During your state in life prayer commit yourself to coming aside with Christ. Think of it as a time like Christ going off to the desert to pray. Think of it as a time of preparation for you. Imagine yourself like on a retreat for a month or two. But, unfortunately, you will probably have to continue on with your regular responsibilities. Anybody who has been on a retreat can testify to those things that help them pray and concentrate on the Lord more. Put those into your life. Do some fasting. Instead of spending 30 minutes praying, spend 45; instead of 45 spend an hour. Read good spiritual books. Have good spiritual conversation. Protect the time that you have with Christ. Some who may live a very active sort of life may think of cutting some of the activity down if they can so they can be more attentive and quiet with the Lord. Just as you would if you were going to spend some time with a very treasured friend, just as attentive as you are with that person, think of how you can be attentive with Christ, that you really want to come aside with him, you really want to listen, you really want to get to know him. What you are doing is discern what his will is, to take on his mind. I would say that this isn’t the time to be dating. If you are dating, it will confuse matters if you are trying to really look at all the options. So you shouldn’t be dating at this time.
3. Make a commitment to really submit your praying through your state in life to your head or whoever is your pastor. Be open, be humble and share your thoughts, your feelings, the result of your prayer
time—whatever is going on. They are there to serve you, to help you. As you do this, as you bring those things under the headship, you are bringing them under the light of God the Father, just as Christ committed his life and his will to his Father. Then the Father was able to direct him and empower him for what was to come. When I prayed through my state in life, my head and I made an agreement that I would be open and basically tell my head exactly what was happening. I was really glad for that agreement because a lot happened in that time of prayer. A lot of doubts that came up, I had a lot of fears, I had all sorts of things that were happening spiritually and personally and because I had made that agreement I really felt comfortable, confident that that was the thing for me to do. I didn’t need to be hesitant. I could just bring it up and we could talk about it. Openness with our heads at this time will also enable us to assist us [sic], to work out any sort of thing in our life that needs to be changed, any areas that need to be changed in our life, things that may arise as we start considering the different options.
4. This has been mentioned before but I want to highlight it again. Regard the choice of your state in life as being yours to make, not your heads. Your heads cannot live out your state in life. If you are going to marry your heads cannot be part of that marriage. You have to be. It has to be your decision, you have to own it. Our heads can help us clarify the reasons why we should chose [sic] the state in life, or they can help us understand more about the state in life but ultimately it is our choice to make and live out with the support of our heads and with the support of our brothers and sisters in the body of Christ.
Some of us may find that we are unable to make a choice. You pray through your state in life and you are unable to choose. Now that could be for a wide variety of reasons. Fear, indecisiveness or maybe you find that you are really not ready. Maybe it brought you to that point. In some cases you may need to work through something, put the prayer aside and come back again. Actually, that happened to me. When I was preparing this talk I thought, “Gee, all these things happened to me. I wonder if that is why Joel asked me to give this talk?” When I was praying, after two weeks as I mentioned before, it became apparent that I wasn’t in any position to make the decision so I stopped praying about the decision and I didn’t come back to it for 8 months. Now a lot happened in my life in 8 months, but when I came back to it at that point, I was in a place where I could decide.
Now, how do you do it? I am going to speak a little bit about the process of praying. There are a lot of different ways of praying through your state in life. Your head may have a particular way that would really fit your needs, and I would want to share just a couple of methods and address some points about actually making a choice. Before you enter into the prayer, before you get to that point, I would say it is crucial that you go through a good portion of community teachings before you pray through your state in life. Teachings on Sexuality, The Roles of Men and Women, Right Relationships, Prayer, Spirituality, whatever teachings—use those as a foundation for you before you enter into that state in life prayer time. When you pray it is very helpful to take more than a few days. Again I recall when I mentioned in the beginning of the talk you need to see it as a preparation for what is to follow in your life. That takes time to be well prepared. I think a range of 3 weeks to maybe not more than 2 months is a good span of time to take. Again I think it is helpful for you and your head to work out when is the best time in your life to begin this prayer. You may wish to select a time in which you are peaceful and you really want to pray about the choice. Don’t enter it unless you really want to pray about it. One woman I talked to chose not to pray through her state in life decision until she finished medical school. She told me frankly that she didn’t want to until she had time to devote to it. At that time in her life she didn’t feel she could make a decision and move in the direction of living it out. So, you as an individual, in talking with your head need to take on that responsibility of considering when is the best time for me. When are things right in my life?
There are a whole range of possibilities in how to actually pray. I am sure that if you talk to some other people the single brothers and sisters or even the married brothers and sisters who have been through this process, everybody could tell you a different way of doing it. There is a wide variety to select from. I am going to share with you two.
One method is to pray each day for God’s will to be revealed. Seek God. I did this, not in relationship to my state in life but when I was finishing graduate school, I prayed for at least 8 months, every day, for God’s will to be revealed as to what he wanted me to do in my life, where he wanted me to move, what kind of job he wanted me to have. It wasn’t like I went to my little prayer spot and spent the whole time begging God on my knees, “Please tell me, please tell me.” I just went and asked God to please show me what you want me to do, and over a period of a long time, slowly it became more and more clear to me what God was asking of me. So that is one way of doing it. Each day you could write down as you pray, what it seems the Lord is saying to you as well as examining where are your desires with regard to your choice. As you do that with this method you may begin to see that the Lord really brings areas to mind that you need to resolve before you can make the decision, where he makes the desires more clear what you really want. One woman told me that she found this time of daily prayer changed her negative opinion about the other options. She really came to see the value in great service of other states. A lot more happened in her life than just coming up with a decision. She said it made her receptive to what God would want for her. Through the prayer she came to a place of being able to support other brothers and sisters in any state in life. When I talked to her about that she said it seems like God changed her heart and she was able to take on Christ’s heart with regard to all the states in life.
A second method is a method that some heads have used to focus on a particular goal each week of the praying through the state in life. They use different scriptures to help the person meditate, different spiritual exercises, different spiritual readings, all things to help them focus on achieving a goal each week. Some even have used some of the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola. I am familiar with this type of method and I will share with you how I have used it in the past.
Usually I take between 6 and 8 weeks for the person to pray. For instance, the first week I would have them focus on growing in the awareness of God’s love for all of mankind and his plan. I have them meditate on Ephesians 1:3–14. I have them consider each day why God created them. I have them look at different passages in the Old Testament to get a sense of God’s love for all mankind from the beginning of time.
The second week I have them focus on Christ becoming incarnate, God becoming man for us. I encourage them to identify again things that they should be grateful for, what God has done for them in their life. At this time I encourage them for a couple days to write down on paper a list of all the advantages and disadvantages of all the states in life, everything they can think of and to consider that. Not to make the decision but to get a perspective of all those things that come to their mind. Then we talk it over. We talk about some of the misconceptions they have, maybe some of the errors that they have, but help them to see what are all the things they are looking at with regard to those options. I encourage them to read a good written work on the life of Christ. Meditate about his birth, again looking at scripture.
The third week I encourage them to focus on setting their desires on God’s will. What does God want for you? What is God’s will? I encourage them to read Matthew’s gospel or there is a good exercise, Ignatius’s Exercise on two standards.
Week four and five I focus on the sacrificial life of Christ in his seeking his father’s will, as well as Christ being detached from his own will. I have the person meditate on the Passion of Christ and read different gospel accounts of that. At this time I have even heard of heads having the person who is praying through their state in life take some time and go talk to somebody who is single for the Lord, somebody who is married, and sit down and have a very frank discussion about what that means in their life and just encourage them to ask any kind of questions to get a better perspective on both states in life.
The last week I have them focus on making the choice, to clarify how to live out the decision. When you get to this point there is a lot of different ways of making a choice. When I made my choice I prayed for several days to be clear on what God’s will was for me. I remember thinking it was clear to me, I had a sense that he was offering me a choice, I could chose that or I didn’t have to and if I didn’t I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Actually, the choice for me was quite easy for me to make. I also was encouraged not to think about making a choice just to please someone else. It was a matter that I wanted to be concerned with pleasing God with my choice and doing what I thought I could really do. I think sometimes though we may have a misunderstanding that when we get to the point of choosing, that if it is not 100% crystal clear in our minds then [sic; “and if”?] we are not sure what we are to do then, it may not be God’s will. It may not be 100% crystal clear what you are supposed to do. You may have inclinations to go in one particular way; you may have to try it out. You may have to make that decision, ask God to bless it and try that out.
Another consideration in making the choice concerning God’s will is to not just use your emotions as the main tool to decide. Some may say, “Because I am peaceful with this choice I guess that is God’s will.” One time when I wanted a decision badly and I wasn’t in a position to make that decision, I decided I would go down and pray. In 10 minutes I had the answer! I came up and I told my head about the decision that I had made and I was just elated, I was so overjoyed, I had finally had a decision of something that I had been pondering. I thought because I was overjoyed and I was so peaceful that that was the right thing. As we sat down and looked at that more over a period of a week or so I could see that emotion was something that I think the enemy had tricked me into using to believe that that decision was the right thing. I think we have to be cautious. Don’t use just your emotions to make a decision. Just because you may feel peaceful with wanting to be single for the Lord, but on the other hand, intellectually you say to yourself, “There is no way I could ever sacrifice not having my own children.” Just because you may be peaceful with thinking you could be single for the Lord, but you really know in the deepest part of your heart that you couldn’t give up that, that might be an indication that you shouldn’t do that.
There is a meditation in the community weekend teachings (I don’t know if you are familiar with it but I will share it with you), on how to make a good choice. It is very helpful in assisting people at this point to use their intellect in choosing. There are four points to this aspect of actually coming to the point of making a choice.
First, you write down what your choice is. That is important oddly enough to write it down crystal clear, put it on top of your sheet to be single for the Lord for one year. Maybe you can choose to do this for a year, to be open to marriage, just what are your choices.
Second, consider as your aim in life your end in which you are created to live, to praise and to serve God. With your end before you, you pray that you can be free to weigh the choices without leaning towards any one decision. Instead, what you are doing is trying to lean toward what is God’s will, what will really serve him and bring him praise. Basically you want to desire what God wants and know that he only again wants the good for you. After you have done that if you have focused on what is your end, then you ask God to move your will and conform your mind to his. You seek the Lord to actually work in your intellect, to conform your mind to his.
After you have done that then again you pull out your list that I mentioned in week two (or if you have lost it you construct another one). on the advantages and disadvantages of all those states in life. You are very honest about it. You put everything down on each state in life. Pray about it. It might take you a few days to get all your lists arranged. Discuss it with your head. Talk about the differences in the columns. Again if there are any misconceptions, clear those up. Go away, pray. Sit down and look at the list, you look at it very logically and reasonably and you weigh the sides and you say, “What is the logical thing for me to do based on this list?” “What is the reasonable thing for me?” Sometimes it becomes very apparent when you look at what you have written down, what God is asking of you and what you really want to do.
Fifth, once you have made your decision, offer your choice to God and ask him to accept it and confirm it for his greater service and glory.
Using this kind of a method takes some of the emotion out of it and helps you look at it rationally. It helps God work with your intellect and allows you to be objective. In the same meditation that I described, there is another meditation called “Ways of Making a Good Choice.” Another way in which God uses our hearts is, you imagine yourself before the Lord on the day of judgment. You have the same decision before you. With that decision before you and at this point in time (your judgment day), you ask yourself, “What do I wish I would have decided to do?” Then, considering—that you make your choice. That is another way of choosing.
So finally, when all is said and done, single for the Lord decision is merely the selection of a way or the means to serve God in this life. It is a means to the end. It is through Christ and with him and in him that you will be able to reach this end. So as you consider praying about a state in life decision I urge you to set your sights on the end and not just on the means.
How to Make a Good Choice
Community Weekend, People of Praise
Introductory Remark:
The following is a guide for making a choice between two or more “good” things.
It is applicable for any situation in your life where you have to decide between good things. It is meant to help you in deciding whether or not to be in the People of Praise.
I. How to look at alternatives:
A. When you are in the position of considering several alternatives and have to make a decision, it is important to look at all the alternatives in light of the above intention or goal, e.g., a new job or a new house, where to go to school.
B. Not every alternative before you is a matter of choice. There are some things that as a Christian you cannot choose to do, e.g., wrongdoing.
C. Among some of the alternatives before you, some are unchangeable, such as being married, commitment to family or parents.
D. Among some of the alternatives before you, some are changeable, such as your standard of living, your companionship, what you study.
II. Good situations in which to make a choice:
A. When you can make a choice without hesitation. You know what the Lord wants; He says: “Come follow me.” This is the best situation to be in.
B. When there is a lot of spiritual activity in your life, consolations and desolations; i.e., when you are up and down. In this situation you know that God is acting in your life; you also know that the devil is acting as well. It is important to know that the devil or the Lord can give you consolations or desolations—if you are backsliding, the devil will give you consolations to encourage you, but the Lord will give you desolations to discourage you from that direction. Or, if you are making progress, the Lord will give you consolations, and the devil, who hates progress, will give you desolations. It is also important to know that the devil can appear as an angel of light, i.e., as something good. This is a good situation in which to make a decision. God is at work. You need to discern what spirits are at work in you. Pray for light to see what God is doing. This is a moment of grace.
C. When there is nothing happening, when you feel peaceful. This is a good situation to be in, but is the least good of the three.
III. Two approaches in making a good decision when you are in situation #3:
A. Think about the decision you have to make, get clearly in your mind what you are deciding about.
Make sure your intention is right.
Ask God to move your will and conform your mind to his.
Weigh the matter carefully, listing the advantages and disadvantages for each alternative before you.
Determine what seems more reasonable in the face of all this. Use your reason rather than your flesh. Then make a decision.
Offer this choice to God and then ask him to confirm it.
B. Ask the Lord to increase your capacity to love him and your brothers and sisters.
Imagine someone you have never met before; imagine that you would like to see him as a perfect son of God. If he had to make a choice and came to you, what would you tell him to do? Do that yourself.
Or, consider yourself on your death bed and it is your last chance to make a choice about these alternatives. What would you choose?
[POP 1987]
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