This outline provides practical and specific instruction for how husbands should head their wives, looking to Christ as the model. Headship in marriage should provide support, care and freedom for the wife.
[Note: Passages in brackets are marginal notes in the original handwritten outline. Italic passages in brackets are editorial additions for clarity.]
Neither male nor female in Christ. Headship is not the only aspect of relationship; you are not constantly heading her. Quote St. Paul, Ephesians 5.
I. See 2 elements here. Savior and head, as Christ. Christ saving us and Christ heading the Church as a
model for us.
A. Savior
1. Laying down life for her. [He left his lofty place of honor and became real flesh and blood for us, to
die and ransom us.] The Lord will provide (Gen. 22:7-8, 13,14).
a) Sacrificing some hopes and dreams to help her, e.g., a wife with drinking problem—don’t drink
yourself. Or an obesity problem—don’t overeat or indulge your appetite as much as you could.
b) Sacrifice as oblation—asking God for special favors for her, e.g., to get pregnant. Another example:
not to get pregnant. More energy, more self esteem, more self-knowledge.
c) Sacrifice as immolation—wiping clean, or destruction of old evil ways. Go to God and offer yourself
in her place. Let God’s wrath (for her sins) fall on you instead of her. Offer to absorb her due
punishment.
d) Intercede for her.
2. To present her without blemish, free from old laws and bad habits.
3. Offer prayers, communions, fastings, etc. for her sins (to God the Almighty Father.)
4. Remain in prayer for her—deliverance, healing, etc. Ask for prophecy.
B. Head of the Church
1. Having plans that include her as well as plans for her, a reasonable set of goals, developed with her
and partly by her; a method for achieving them. [She gets responsibilities directly from God.]
Including the human equivalent of grace—namely, the practical help that makes the accomplishment of the
goal possible.
2. Organize (Not!! bureaucratize) your life together.
3. Rule over her (as Christ does the church) as a servant—not a master lording [it] over her for your own
sake. Rather as you care for your own body.
[Mt. 19: Unity]
[Encourage, admonish, exhort. Don’t overindulge [her] either.]
4. Oversee her activities.
a) Is she trying to accomplish too much.
b) Too little.
c) Using her time, money, energy, etc. well.
5. Judge, help her sort out facts.
6. Giving opportunity to do what she wants. (God in the garden of Eden—Adam and Eve caring for it.)
7. Teach.
a) Learn Scripture yourself and share some insights with her. She may be smarter than you, but you will
have insights she won’t. You must read it—ask her for her wisdom and sincerely hope to learn from
her. Learning is sharing—not didactic, one way only. Dialogue is important.
b) Don’t demean, humiliate or abuse her.
c) Avoid excessive individualism or lopsided domination (calling for conformism).
d) Some things you can’t teach her: how to be a good housekeeper, etc., a good cook, etc.
8. See that she continues to grow—even if you aren’t the immediate cause of her growth.
II. How to head her. (St. Paul says Love her.)
A. Don’t treat her like a child. God doesn’t treat you like a child who must be told to do all the time.
Rather be ready to receive her like God who is always ready to hear our needs.
B. Help her daily.
[Chivalry, Kindness]
1. Find out what is on her agenda for the day and how successful was she.
a) We do this in the morning (breakfast sharing) and dinner.
C. Some special times of help are necessary.
1. Some men have weekly meetings with their wives where they ask them
a) How her prayer life is, what is she getting when she prays, what does she think it means.
b) How are her relationships in the family—with each child, etc., or in the household. When we have
noticed something about anger or indirect communication or ignoring someone—we can mention it.
c) How she has been doing as a good member of the community. In her women’s group (protect the
confidentiality of the group), in her community service, in her hopes for doing more for the Lord.
d) How she feels your own relationship is going. What she hopes for, etc. This is a difficult area—you
don’t want to wind up abdicating your responsibilities as head.
2. You do need some serious—special occasions for asking her how she’s doing—whether weekly or not.
Should not be confused with the evening out if you are fortunate to have one. —Business/pleasure.
3. These meetings must be frequent enough to do the job.
a) Sometimes we reach a low point—and further conversation does not help. Take some time off but don’t
forget to resume your responsibilities.
D. To head a woman successfully
1. Don’t have a false notion of womankind. They are tempted like men are in all areas of life. (Including
sexual fantasies, masturbation, gluttony, greed, anger, pride, etc.)
2. Learn about some of the psychological characteristics of women—don’t settle for a cave-men view or a
Victorian notion of womankind.
a) I recommend Psychology of Women by Judith Bardwick.
b) The hormonal aspect of her cycle.
3. There is a Freudian view of personality—deficient and ineffective. Like astrology—lives determined by
circumstances, history, superego formation etc., beyond control. Some insight in it, but essentially
not true. The Freudian paradigm is false. On the other hand the biologists (or psycho/socio-biologists)
give another set of causes that they believe are determining (the menstrual cycle, hormone generation
etc.) They have some truth too, but essentially wrong too.
4. [William] Glasser’s view of responsibility/love is more accurate. (Tell story of Glasser in V.A.
hospital with catatonics).
E. Review with her, her hopes for the future and responsibilities and her commitments. e.g.,
1. Her commitment to the Lord in community (Evangelism, prophecy, service, etc.)
2. Her commitment to the children
3. To the homemaking
4. To you (When she has a problem with you, she should ask you how she is to handle it)
5. To herself (letters, leisure, reading, study and recreation).
6. To her job (proficiency, etc.).
7. Help her see how she might see and serve the Lord more fully in these affairs and events.
III. Pitfalls to avoid—all sin—the usual problems of (world, flesh and devil).
A. Laziness (sloth) self-serving attitudes. PEASAGL [pride, envy, anger, sloth, avarice, gluttony, lust]
1. Desire for comfort (a life of ease)
B. Don’t abuse her—she may have quick mouth (angry, violent). Don’t be provoked to physical violence. Help
her see the violence she is guilty of.
C. Emotional manipulation (e.g., tears (hers), work through them, don’t demean them, they can be even good).
Some are result of time of the month or age.
D. Sexual manipulation
1. Fear of hurting her feelings and experience [of] her coolness.
E. Overestimating her/Underestimating her
1. “She’s holier than I am.” (“And why shouldn’t she be, she has more time to pray and less of the world
to cope with!”)
2. She’ll never learn. She won’t become a man!
F. Fear—“I have to live with her the rest of my life—if I make some wrong moves I am stuck with the
results!”
G. Taking her for granted—She can’t read your mind.
H. Thinking someone else will (can) do it (head her). Her confessor, her women’s group.
I. Thinking that we must be everything to her. (Not so, her women friends (group) should supply a lot of
needs you never could supply—don’t try to make her a man.)
J. Thinking/acting as though we have all the answers for our wives—e.g., “How are you getting along with
Jane,” one of your daughters. “Terrible—she did this—what can I do?” Maybe we don’t know right then.
We’ll work on it.
IV. Conclusion. Be headed yourself—she is not an isolated person.
A. Eph. 4:1-16. (Help them, Heb. 13: cooperate with husbands).
B. Encouragement—Women have been oppressed (many have low self-image). Renew her spirit.
C. She should experience freedom.
1. Role of forgiveness, e.g., “I’m not that kind of person, please forgive me.”
D. Our wives are a great blessing to us. They try to please us. Often we can see what we really want by
seeing in them our desires, ideas, etc. [my frustration, her response]
Copyright © 2022 People of Praise, Inc.