In 1986, women in the People of Praise were encountering a new reality and new challenges, with more of them working outside the home. In this talk, Jeanne DeCelles offered practical wisdom and a large dose of humor to address very real problems and their solutions. She emphasized the importance of observing the Lordâs Day and encouraged the women to avoid unrealistic expectations of themselves and their families. The audio quality of this talk gradually improves after the first two minutes.
Transcript
This document is a direct transcript of an audio recording, and may contain transcription errors and other minor edits for the sake of clarity.
[Tape begins after Jeanne has already begun speaking.]
JEANNE: . . . Many of you work outside the home on a regular basis, or do outside work from the home, like about 20 hours a week, say. How many of us? Look around. [Jeanne waits, then chuckles.] I think that we tend to forget, sometimes, how many of us are actually doing work outside our home, or doing outside work in the home, because this is very different from where we were even a few years ago, and certainly 10 years ago. So thatâs one of the reasons that we thought itâd be a good idea if we talked about it, when weâre all together on retreat.
I want to thank all of you who have given me input on the subject. Most of you could have written a talk that would have been helpful, and the willingness that I found among you to share with me, very personally, was a big help to me, and it was also very impressive, because you were very articulate in your responses, and any one of you could have given this talk.
I think itâs safe to assume that all of us here are working women. [Laughter.] And I donât just mean that we are in good working order [laughter], that everythingâs functioning. [Extended laughter.]
But what we do want to talk about here, particularly, is the woman who works at a job other than homemaking, something usually outside the home. And because of that, she has many, many things to balance in her life. Itâs one that we need to discuss all together, because women who donât work outside the home need to understand those of us who do. We are all sisters; we are all committed to love one another, to serve one another in all needs. And so itâs important for our love and commitment, that they be built on understanding what my life is like, and what your life is likeâwhat one anotherâs lives are like.
. . . . [Pause and then inaudible whispering, apparently about the microphone.] I always feel claustrophobic when itâs up there!
Why do some of us work? I think that most of us who work do it because itâs necessary. I work because itâs necessary that someone do the job of getting New Heaven/New Earth out every month, and I happened to be asked to do that. Many of us work because itâs necessary to assume some of the financial responsibility in our family, either temporarily, or for a very long time.
Some of us work because, if we did not work, our children could not attend Trinity. Or our children could not go to college. Some of usâ . . . or get braces [Jeanne chuckles], as one woman pointed out. Some of us work because itâs a season in our life when we need to have an interest outside the home. Perhaps the empty nest has become too empty. Perhaps the menopause has created a need within us to get outside the home and expand our horizons. Some of us work because itâs a way of developing the gifts that God has given us. There are other reasons. But the point is that whatever the reason, they are valid. And working outside the home, or doing outside work in the home, brings with it problems, burdens, and the need for a balancing act that would stir the admiration of the Flying Wallendas1. [Laughter.]
Now I want to try to talk here about some of the problems that some of you have mentioned to me; some of the problems that I have myself; and, hopefully, some workable solutions. But this is justâyou might regard this as something like input from me. Because all of you who work, and those of you who donât, but want to love and understand your sisters who do, can flesh out whatever I have to say here, Iâm sure.
First letâs talk about some of the problems.
The one that came up very often in my conversations with you, and represented some of the greatest pain, was the need constantly toâwhat one woman calledââpick and choose.â Some of you called it pick and choose; some of you identified it as guilt. âI cannot be the mother that I have always believed I should be.â âI cannot keep the house the way I believe it should be kept.â âI am constantly having to choose between two, or more, obvious goods: the laundry, or a meeting with my sonâs teachers. My daughterâs volleyball game, or scrubbing the kitchen floor where our cat has been stuck for the last 24 hours.â [Extended laughter.] Nobody said that to me; I made it up. [Extended laughter.] âSpending a much-needed evening with my husband, or holding off the Health Department inspector by cleaning the bathrooms.â [Laughter.]
Over, and over, and over again, there is the need to make choices, and they are rarely easy choices. For me, unlike the days when one of my most pressing problems was deciding whether to do all the housecleaning on Fridays, or do everything but the bathrooms on Fridays, and do them on Mondays, now I have to decide which floor of the house we should concentrate all our energy on on a given Saturday morning, and which will have to wait until the following week, or the week after that, or the week after that, depending on who is home in our house. Often I am not.
There are so many things that change when you are out of a house more hours than you are in it.
Another thing is that itâs harder now to entertain. Certainly, itâs harder to entertain during the week. But when the weekend comes youâre too bushed, or you have to use it to catch up on laundry, or housecleaning, or shopping, and there just isnât any energy left over for entertaining. It isnât that you now have to give up all the extras; it is that you have to decide over, and over, and over again which of the very top priority items you should honor at any given moment.
A woman in this situation feels not just divided, but sub-sub-subdivided. The way that I usually express it is by going to Paul and telling him, âI feel like Iâm disintegrating. In fact, I am disintegrating. Iâm coming apart, literally.â Itâs a feeling like everything in you is going to fly off in a dozen different directions all at once. And itâs a very scary feeling.
We know that what we need is balance. Balance is the key. But how do we get that wonderful balance?
Another set of problems has to do with emotions, which suddenly become like tigers in our tanks. We find ourselves giving in to emotional outbursts that would shame a two-year-old. [Laughter.] Or, maybeâmaybe we donât let it burst out, but itâs there, seething inside. Anger at women in our groups, who donât work outside the home, and never seem to understand why we donât have time to go to lunch with the group. Or, why we canât meet during the day instead of at night. Anger with our husbands, who sit down and read the paper, while we put on an apron, turn on the oven, and start peeling onions and potatoes before we take our coat off. [Extended laughter.] That is truth. [Jeanne and all laugh. Audience claps.]
Anger at children who donât seem to comprehend that you desperately need their help with the dishes or dinner or housecleaning. Or they make it hard for you to even ask for that kind of help. Anger because it takes minute . . . careful . . . planning . . . to find a night to wash your hair and shave your legs. [Laughter.] Anger because you always have to do two things at once, not by choice, but by necessity. You fold clothes and iron while you watch TV with the family. Or you prepare dinner for the following night, instead of putting your feet up and reading a book.
And, with the anger comes more . . . guilt.
Then there are other sources of guilt. There is, for instance, the âreal-mother syndrome.â âRealâ mothers go to every childâs soccer, basketball, and volleyball games. [Laughter.] They attend all performances and recitals. âRealâ mothers drive the team to the game at least twice a month. [Laughter.] âRealâ mothers are always home at 2:45, waiting with cookies, milk, and a ready ear for each child, as they enter the warm haven of home.
Teachers of ârealâ mothersâ children never have to actually call those alternate people you put on the little card that the school keeps on file: âIn case of accident, when parents are not available, call . . . so and so.â [Laughter.] âRealâ mothers are always available to talk, to listen, to help with homework, to plan family outings. âRealâ mothers never hand their kids Oreosâonly homemade, oatmeal-wheat germ-raisin cookies. [Laughter.] âRealâ mothers always have all the Scout badges sewn on the uniform for their child [loud laughter] within . . . [More laughter. Jeanne laughs too.] This is a serious talk! [Extended laughter and chatter. Jeanne chuckles.] Get a hold of yourself! . . . always have them on the uniform within a few days of the earning of the badge [laughter]. I can see I donât need to go on. [Laughter from all.]
WOMENâS VOICES: Go on! Go on! [Laughter.]
JEANNE: One woman wrote, on a note, that she felt she wasnât a full-time mother. I think what she meant was that sheâs not a ârealâ mother. Weâre always full-time mothers, but we cannot always be what we want to be, or be what we think we must be, in order to be a âgoodâ mother.
Now, all those things I mentioned are high values. Those are all things that we treasure as part of motherhood. Theyâre valuable. But so is reading to children, and playing games with them. And I know some wonderful mothers who donât know how to play games with their children, and have never read to their children.
The point is that each of us, over the years, has developed a set of standards about motherhood. And some of our standards are things that may have to change. Or we may have to do things differently, once we have to spend 20 to 40 hours a week outside the home.
And, we laugh about it, but it also means pain.
Besides the children, there are husbands. We just canât find time. . . . [Laughter.] Oh, wait a minute! [Laughter.] This crowd is totally out of control! [Jeanne and all laugh.] I thought youâd all be asleep at this time of day! [Laughter.]
âWe just canât find time,â you might say, âto be just husband and wife anymore. Whatever family time is available, we have to spend with the children, and itâs selfish and wrong to spend that time alone together.â That is not true, sisters. That relationship will endure long after the children leave home. And if you donât work at it nowâif you lose the ability to communicate; to spend happy hours together; to make love together regularly; to change; and to grow togetherâretirement is going to be miserable, instead of a welcome rest. Itâs not news to you, but itâs hard to find the time together. Itâs just hard.
Another problem area is balancing all the commitments we have outside the immediate family: parents, friends, womenâs groups, community service, and the commitments that we accepted in the covenant. Other family members, like brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, godchildren, grandparents. Our commitments to our churches. The list of our commitments is long.
Finally, thereâs another problem: yourself. Itâs bad enough that youâre so tired all the time; you wake up tired. Maybe you have more headaches since you started working. Maybe you get sick more often, little things like colds and flu. And thereâs guilt about that, too.
After all, the Working Womanâwrong magazine [Jeanne chuckles]âand Savvy show us these wonderful pictures of women who have it all together. They have husbands, they have careers, they have children, and they always look like Jane Pauley [scattered laughter]; they exercise 30 minutes every day; and they have enough energy to do absolutely everything. Talk about guilt.
Well, I want to take just a few of these areasâand I know there are many more; Iâm just skimming the surfaceâand offer a few solutions. These are things that come from my own experience, and things that you shared with me. Also, I think, during our discussion time, we should share with one another.
Iâm going to suggest just a few areas of help. Some of these will overlap, but these are some of the principal ones that came to me.
First: Use the support available, and get support by asking for it. The first place to go is to your husband, if you have a husband; to your head, if you donât.
If youâve just sort of âdrifted intoâ working, then stop drifting and talk it over. Did you both agree that this was the best way to handle the financial problems? Did you both agree that this was the best way to handle your boredom, or your need to get out of the house? Did you both agree that this was the only way that you could pay off your debt, get braces for the kids, and send them to Trinity? Did you both agree that this was a good way to exercise your gifts, broaden your horizons? Did you pray about it?
I remember, about ten years ago, when I first started to work outside the home, it wasnât clear what I ought to do. It was clear that I ought to do something, because I was going into menopauseâalmostâwell into it, in factâand it just was obvious that what I needed to do something different than just be home all day.
There were two possibilities: I could go back and try to take a refresher course, or something, and go into nursing; or, I could come to work at the LaSalle Building2, where Bud Rose needed somebody to sort ofâwell, turn on the faucets and flush the toilets every day, for one thing. [Jeanne and all laugh.] You donât believe what the building was like then. And, I did pray about it, and I asked the Lord to show me which of those two things he wanted to do. And, I told him that I would take it as some sort of sign from him if he gave me a passage about serving in the temple. That that meant I should come here and serve in what was going to be the house of the Lord for the People of Praise. And he did give me something like that, and I did come to work here. And I thank God, âcause, I think if I had gone into nursing, I probably would have killed somebody the first day. [Laughter.] But, anyway, what Iâm trying to get across is that it is something that you should pray about. And you should expect the Lord to give you some answers. You donât just willy-nilly do it, because the bank balance is low, or something like that.
Have you and your husband talked with the children about it? Or haveâif you donât have a husband, have you and your children talked about it? You need to get everyone filled in on the situation, according to their capacity for understanding it, and their need to know. Your children will almost certainly want to help you out, if they are given the opportunity to understand whatâs going on. Your husband will, too. But you have to speak up, and you have to tell people what you need. Donât expect them to see it.
You know wellâas well as I do that the only housework that gets noticed is what doesnât get done, and the only one who notices it is you. Now, they will notice if there are no clean socks on Monday morning in the dresser drawers. Or no shirts. Or if you run out of milk late Thursday night, and the dry cereal Friday morning is really dry cereal. [Laughter.] But, they will not necessarily realize that they could have, or should have, offered to run a load of laundry after school, or pick up the milk on the way home from work. You have to open your mouth and say something!
If you live in a household, you could even ask someone in the household to take responsibility for different areas. You have to, first of all, get it through your head that it really is not, necessarily, cruelty on their part, or the height or depths of thoughtlessness, when you come in, walking on your ankles, out of breath, and so tired that you can barely croak âhelloâ to anyone, and the kids start asking you, âWhatâs for dinner?â Or your husband asks for a cup of coffee and goes to the family room to watch the 6:30 news. They donât mean to be thoughtless; that isnât whatâs going on there. Say something. And, above all, say it before you are so tired and frustrated that you are shouting it.
I have one person in my household who does notice things like this. If heâs going to be out of town on Saturday, he will clean one of the bathrooms on Thursday night. But, heâs an exception [Jeanne chuckles], not the norm! And just because everybody isnât like that does not mean that they are terrible, cruel, selfish people. The real danger here is that because I am tired, I am overworked at times, and I have so much to do, and so much to be concerned about, that I get into a trap. And the trap goes like this [Jeanne speaks in a robot-like, dramatic, slow voice]: âI am the center of the universe [laughter]. I am the hardest working, the most burdened, the only martyr in this household.â
This is not true. For one thing, believe it or not, everyone else is working at full capacity, too, not just you. And, everyone is willing to help you. Just ask. And work at some agreeable ways of getting everything done.
Aboutâit must be almost 6 months ago nowâI had reached the point where I felt I really was the only one who cared about the wastebaskets overflowing down the stairways. That I was the only one that noticed the sticky kitchen floor. That I was the only one that was doing anything, for anybody, about anything. [Laughter.] And my voice was always a little cracky. [Jeanne chuckles.] [Laughter.] Finally, I said so. I said something just like that: that âIt seems to me nobody else cares. It seems to me that Iâm the only one thatâs doing anything around the house and that nobody else cares.â We sat down, we had a household meetingâturns out there were a lot of other things going on, too! But you have to talk about it. You have to be willing to talk about it. You have to be humble enough to say, âIâm not makinâ it! I canât do this!â
And, you have to be willing to accept the fact that maybe everybodyâs doing the best they can, and they canât do any more than theyâre doing. But usually, people can do more, and want to do more, and will do more, if you just ask, in the right way and at the right time.
I know youâre saying, âWell, her, sheâs got a household.â [Laughter.] âWhat does she know about it, huh?â Well, Iâll tell you: household living is the greatest, and I would hate to have to get along without it. But sometimes it is harder to ask a household member for help than it is to tell your children to help. For one thing, household members usually have jobs, too. They usually have community service to do, they have menâs and womenâs groups. Some of them are going to night school. Some of them are dating in preparation for marriageâwhich, you know, takes all your energy and strength. [Laughter.] And, though it may seem impossible to you, they get tired, too. Usually everyone wants to help. Children are not hurt by being asked to help more, and it may, in fact, be the best thing for them to do that.
I know of a handmaid in another branch, who can afford a lot of outside help in her home. But, recently, she lost the biggest cog in the wheel: the one person who was doing the most for her really needed to get a different kind of job. Well, her children are well-trained childrenâbut, frankly, they didnât need to do very much around the house, because she had lots of outside help. And, when this person left, and she got ill at the same time in a way that wasâyou know, made her disabled, really, for a timeâshe had to dig into her heart and see that her children really needed to do more than they were doing. I talked her through this whole thing, and I know that it was very hard for her to ask those kids to do more. She really felt like she was, sort of presuming on them somehow. And, in fact, it was the very best thing that could have happened to those kids, and itâs going to make the family much, much stronger. Itâs almost as though the Lord laid her out, flat, unable to work, so that those kids could step in and take some responsibility. Theyâre good kids, but they just didnât have to do very much of that, âcause there was all these people; they were all coming in to help.
Stop looking at your womenâs groups as [Jeanne speaks in a gloomy, dramatic voice]: âThey donât understand,â and help them to understand. Donât assume that you can never do daytime things. Maybe you can go to lunch, if you have a place close to where you work. Maybe you can bring meals in to your sisters, when they need that kind of support. It will require some extra effort on your part, but donât assume that you canât do it, just because you are working. You could double a casserole and freeze half, for an emergency with one of your sisters.
Also, ask them for help for yourself. When youâre really up against a wall, yell âHelp!â And donât be too proud to accept it. Help with anything: housecleaning, child care, meals. I remember years ago, when Paul was in graduate school, I had a good friend, who had been tremendously helpful to me when we first arrived in Baltimore, and she worked full time for one of the professors at Johns Hopkins. And she was having a big dinner party of some kind, and it was a dinner party to which we were not going. I mean, it would have beenâit was the kind of thing where we would not normally be invited. And I asked her if I could do anything to help. And I remember being really surprised, âcause, without the slightest hesitation, she said, âYes. Would you make me an angel food cake? Iâll bring the pan over tonight.â [Laughter.] It made all the sense in the world, âcause I wasnât working at all outside the home, I had a little baby, and I was home all day, and it was delightful to be able to do something, for the most efficient person I knew on the face of the earth. You know, that she would actually need something from me was very encouraging to me.
One thing that will help you keep your head straight about this, is that many, many women, especially in community lifeâthe kind of life we live, where life is so abundant that sometimes we think that if it gets anymore abundant it will kill us [laughter]âmany of us are just as busy, and weâre working just as hard, at just as many things. I know women who serve as handmaids, for example, who have what amounts to a 20- to 30-hour load of service each week. No outside paid help, several children, and a multitude of responsibilities. They work just as hard as any of us, and they certainly work just as many hours.
The key for all of this is to recognize that weâre all working hard; weâre working as hard as we can. And we all need to support one another. Whenever I start to think that âIâm the only one,â then Iâm in trouble. Because that kind of self-pity is a slippery banana peel, and, before I know it, I get judgmental, I get angry, and the Holy Spirit can find no room in my heart or my life.
Look at the sister next to you. Do you really believe that she doesnât have to work just as long and hard as you, and that she doesnât have any burdens and needs?
Now, one thing that I found really interesting. When I started talking to some of you about this talk, I had read the talk that was given on this subject, at the single womenâs retreat. And it was very interesting how different the two talks turned out to be. The kinds of things that the single women brought up as difficulties were totally different from what you brought up. And I think thatâs to be expected.
But, one area that you had in common, in your sharing, was some problems on the job. Now, a lot of us here work at CRS [Charismatic Renewal Services], or at Greenlawn3, or in other situations where we donât encounter a lot of these things. But some of us work in more what I call âsecularâ areas, for want of a better word. For instance, there are things that you encounter, such as gossip, or backbiting, or difficulties in relationships. Thereâs a lot written about this, and I think that the best way to approach it, is to try and figure out how to apply what you have learned in community living, and through community teaching, to these situations.
Now, of course, you cannot relate to people outside the community in the same way as you do to people inside the community: you donât have agreements, you donât have commitments, you donât have common understanding, and teachings about right relationships. But you can learn, from community teaching, how to conduct yourself in these situations. You do know about right speech and right behavior. And believe me, right speech and right behavior show up very quickly in that kind of situation. And they are contagious.
For instance, people will notice if you always change the subject when thereâs filthy talkâor gossip, or negative humor, or criticismâin the conversations that youâre in. Or, if you just excuse yourself when the talk gets bad. Orâand I think this is really different from people in theâoutside the communityâwhen you admit your mistakes honestly. When you take responsibility for your mistakes, and do not get defensive when corrected, youâre really behaving differently from the way a lot of other people will behave, in those kinds of situations.
Also, if you are gentle and respectful of an individualâs worth and dignity when you have to admonish or correct someone under you at work. These things show up, and they breed more righteousness, more respect, more honesty, and things really will go better. If they donât, if youâre outnumbered hopelessly, then you may either have to find another job, or just begin to pray more about it. Things really can change.
If you are being treated unfairly, or if you are experiencing things like sexual harrassment, report it to the person who can fix it. Just like we do in the community: you go to the person who has responsibility. Donât go to your coworkers. Go to the top. Always.
Some jobs may hook into your sort of âdominantâ fault or weakness. Like, my job involves reading stacks, and stacks, and stacks of material thatâs written for New Heaven/New Earth, and stacks, and stacks, and stacks of other stuff that I have to read, so that I know what kinds of stories we should be looking for. And Iâm working with people who have a much higher level of education than I. And part of our job, frankly, is to be very critical. We have to look, and read, and listen to everything critically.
Now, that hooks in to one of my dominant faults and weaknesses, which is that I can be very critical. Now, Iâm supposed to be analytical, and Iâm supposed to be critical on the job. But what I find is that itâs hooked into a weakness I have already, and so itâs kind of, you know, itâs always sort of âthere.â Itâs beginning to overlap into all other areas of my lifeâwhich was always in danger of happening anyway, but now, itâs even more of a problem for me, because Iâm supposed to be doing that during the day. And you find yourself listening to everything, and reading everything, with kind of a critical mindset. So thatâs something that I have to really pray about every day before I go to work, and work on in my relationships, and think about a lot in my conversations with other people, because a lot of times somebody will mention something and my first thought will be, âYes, but. . . . â or âThat was good, but. . . .â You know?
Now, you have to know what your dominant fault or weaknesses might be. And look to see if thereâs something in your job thatâs kind of hooking into that. It doesnât mean you have to quit the job; it just means you have to learn how to deal with it. It may be, in fact, Godâs way of making it more obvious to you so that you will deal with it.
Another way of getting support is to share some of these problems in your womenâs group. They can help. Sometimes, I know, we complain about having womenâs groups, or weâre lukewarm about going every week. I have two womenâs groups. I am blessed with eight sisters with whom I can share everything in my life. And I did it in the beg- âyou know, Iâm part of a division, so I belong to a division womenâs group, as well as my regular womenâs group. And I thought, at the time, that it would stretch me too much. I thought that the emotional investment, and the time invested, would be too great. And, instead, I have found that it has enriched me enormously. I canât believe that I am so fortunate that I have not one, but two, small groups of women who are my sisters; who encourage me and who support me; who are a special link to the Lord, and his love for me. I often wonder how I can have it so good.
Now, another area of help, besides all that support, is a schedule. One woman told me that a schedule is the most important thing to keep your sanity. And I agree with her. In fact, one of my biggest problems is that I donât have a really finely tuned, almost rigid, schedule that suits me best. Circumstances, for me, dictate that I can never live my life that way. I have to do things differently every day of every week, instead of always knowing that I do this on Mondays and this on Tuesdays. Itâs justâitâs very different. And I would do a lot better with a more regularized life.
But sometimesâsome typeâof schedule is essential. Talk it over with your husband, talk it over with other women, both those who work and those who donât. Pick other peopleâs brains about schedules. Pray about it, and then settle it in a way that is best tailored to you, to your life, and to that of your family and household.
Built into that schedule there should be time for several things. These are not extras; these are essentials.
First, Iâve already mentioned: time for you to spend with your husband, if youâre married.
Second: time to spend with each child that you both can count on. Try to make it good quality time, but donât be angry or guilty if it seemsâit means that you have to talk over something with your child while you also peel potatoes. Itâs very good if you can slot some special time as often as possible. But my mother gave me all of my sex education while she did the ironing. She always had time to listen to all my sorrows and woes, but sometimes she had to hug me and then allow me to continue the story in the kitchen, while she prepared dinner.
I find that grocery shopping can be a great time to spend with daughters. Going to the laundromat can be a good time to spend with children of any age and sex. I know one woman who never bought laundry equipment. She could have afforded to buy the top of the line, but she enjoyed going to the laundromat with her children, one or two at a time. It doesnât always have to be like it is in the movies, where the daughter flings herself weeping on the bed, and the mother stops everything, and spends an hour consoling her. Thatâs fine, but sometimes, itâs just not going to be like that.
Next, you need time for yourself. Top of the list here is your prayer time. Donât let it slide. Itâs the foundation of your life. Punch the time clock for that special time with the Lord, no matter what. Do what must be done to make it happen, and get support from your family, to make sure that it happens. This also includes the time you spend praying with your household or with your family. Very often I feel like ignoring household morning prayer. But the extra 15 minutes of sleep is a very cheap substitute for that time of worship with my household. Itâs a bad bargain.
It includes community meetings. I miss a lot of community meetings traveling, and they have become so precious to me that I cannot imagine missing one now for any reason, except travel, someoneâs death, or my own terminal illness. [Laughter.]
One thing that you need to plug in to your personal prayer time is a little exercise in which you look at the day ahead. You can do this while youâre brushing your teeth. You can think about what I call âhot spotsâ in the day ahead. Which relationship is it that Iâyou know, whom am I going to meet with today, that I always have trouble with? Or the person that, you knowâwe met for an hour last week, and we argued the whole time about whether to run this article in New Heaven/New Earth? Or something like that. Look ahead to the day; see whatâs there that may be a kind of a weakness in the fabric of your life, an area of vulnerability. And ask the Lord right then and there, while youâre brushing your teeth or whatever, âLord, come and be present in that situation. Begin now to give me the wisdom, the strength, and the understanding, to do the right and righteous thing in that situation.â Youâd be surprised how much that can help. In fact thatâs a good exercise for anybody; you donât have to be working outside the home to need that.
Personal time also means taking care of your body. Getting in some exercise, not because you feel guilty about not doing aerobics, but because Godâs work in us builds on nature, the nature that he gave us. So walking, for instance, is a good time to pray, and praying is a good time to walk. Solitude, time alone with the Lord, is good because it restores our soul. Exercise, proper diet, a daily shower, attention to personal hygiene, restores our body and makes our body ready for Godâs work in us. If we are sick or tired, we will not work, pray, or love as well as we can. And itâs okay to use time to make ourselves attractive, clean, healthy, and refreshed. Donât put off your dental and mentalâmedical care. Mental care! [Jeanne and all laugh.] This too! Now, when youâre really stretching yourself physically, is not the time to neglect your health.
So thatâs the body; the soul . . . and what about your mind? Read. Study. Donât assume that you donât have time for this. Set aside time for it. Maybe 30 minutes a week is all you can manage, but itâs important; itâs not an extra.
Now, all these things have to be packed into a schedule. And you, with your headâs help and Godâs help, need to pack it. Assume that it can happen, not that it cannot happen. You wonât pack yours the same way I will pack mine, but it can be done if you want to do it.
My biggest temptation is to say something like, âWell, Iâm so bushed Iâm entitled to just watch TV rather than read,â for instance. Thatâs my big trap. What is your big trap? Find out what it is, and donât just go off the schedule willy-nilly.
How do you keep up friendships? One thing I hate is not being able to entertain anymore, just kind of easily and often. It just isnât possible. I do have a household and thatâs a help, but I still canât do what Iâd like. But there are easier ways to entertain than a dinner party. For instance, you can have Sunday brunch, or you can have soup and sandwiches after a community meeting. We recently had a birthday celebration in our household which was wedged in, around, over, and through the Super Bowl. [Laughter.]
My womenâs groups both celebrate birthdays, and I like to have them at my house when we do, because itâs one of the rare chances I get to do something special. We canât serve the same kind of meals, even to our families, when weâre out of the house so much, but we can still serve good food, lots of warmth, and plenty of hospitality. Most of us tend to overdo it anyway, and we just tire ourselves out, when, really, all our guests want is a good, relaxed time of sharing with friends, not a fattening 10-course meal.
Keeping up with your other commitments to families can be harder, if they all live in town. Look for creative ways to do it. One sister I know has a wonderful solution: instead of always turning down family invitations because of community commitments, or dividing themselves between the family and the community, she and her husband have most of the family celebrations at their house. That way, they set the time, the date, and they provide a wonderful service to the family.
âToo much work,â you say. Well, maybe. But itâs a lot better than always being in the middle, always disappointing someone, and always feeling divided and/or guilty.
Next, how do you handle emotional problems? In most cases, youâll find that praying and getting your heart in the right place is the first thing to do. If you have a martyr complex, you will feel put upon, unhappy. Youâre wallowing in self-pity, in anger and resentment. Iâm going to talk, in a few minutes, more about putting your heart in the right place.
But, assuming that youâre doing that, next, you need to have a really candid talk with your husband. Get in the car together and go for a drive in the country, where even if you cry, or perhaps raise your voices a little [chuckling], it wonât hurt anyone else. Tell him how you feel, when you rush in the door at 5:30, put in a load of laundry, change the sheets, start dinner, and listen to your first-grader read, and he is reading the newspaper. Tell him. But donât be surprised or hurt if he tells you how he feels, too.
I was very shocked recently, for instance, to have Paul tell me how much he hated my working outside the house. After all, he was certainly part of that decision, both on a personal level with me, and as a coordinator of the community, who had responsibility for what happens in the publications division. When he tried to explain it, it came out in ways that I had never suspected. Iâm not home all day, and so the house is really different. There has not been someone there, most of the day. Just âthere.â To make it warm, clean, tidy, cared for. Itâs just not âcared for.â Itâs an indefinable term, but I donât know any other way to say it. Thereâs not someone there who notices the little things, the little spots on the door jambs, the slivers of soap in the bathroom, the overflowing wastebasketsââIâll get to them on Saturdayââlittle things that just kind of give a home a cared-for look and feel. The things that I notice in frustration, like messy closets; his drawers are messyâI always used to keep them in perfect order; weâre out of aspirin; the Christmas decorations are still up on Easter Sunday. [Laughter.]
Those are the things that justâtheyâre sort of indefinable. But what was even more difficult, was that he felt he wasnât being cared for in the same way. Now, Paul is in no way a demanding husband. I donât, and never have, polished his shoes. [Laughter.] He doesnât like me, really, to pack his bag for him when he travels. When heâs sick, he wants benign neglect, not hovering nursing care. But this man, who requires so little, was feeling uncared for. Itâs not even as though he had a list: buttons not sewn on, or things like that. Laundryâs no big deal: we have a washer, a dryerâthat works [Jeanne laughs lightly], so it wasnât lack of clean socks. Itâs just some indefinable attention to his needs that just isnât the same anymore. He wasnât saying to me, âI want you to quit.â Though [what] he was saying was that both of us had to confront the fact that my working makes a qualitative change in our lives. It was an eye-opening conversation for both of us. And, the interesting thing to me . . . is that when I was writing this down, I tried to remember what I was screaming and yelling, and crying about when the conversation startedâbut I remember very clearly what he said. And how sad, inside, it made me.
[Static on recording. Unintelligible speech.]
. . . And who was a living example of how to live righteously in the workplace.
Sisters, you are not working because you love your home and family less; you are working because you love them very much. And, all those sisters who donât remember that, and who may judge us, please repent and look for ways to love our working sisters better. To support them more, and not resent the fact that they require more support at times. We all need extra help at various times in our lives. Donât ever be jealous of the help that you have to give another sister. Rivalry, resentment, comparison, judgment of anotherâs course of action are totally out of place within the covenant of the People of Praise.
A working woman should not envy the sister who does not. Nor should the sister who stays home ascribe wrong motives or poor management to the one who does. Such things are not appropriate in the body of Christ. Be quick, whatever it is, to repent and to change your heart.
But now I can say what I most want to say: what is most fruitful in all our lives, but which has become more precious to me since I started to work away from home. And that is our Sabbath, a day of rest. I realize in me, each and every week, when we open the Lordâs Day in our household, that God was infinitely wise in instructing us to take a day apart. A day set aside for rest, and for worship, and for refreshment of our bodies, minds, and spirits. Let me read to you from the Lordâs Day ceremony that we most often use in our house:
For the lighting of the candle.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. All things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
Lord of the universe, in honor of your Son Jesus, light of the world and author of life, I am about to kindle the light for the Lordâs Day. May the effect of this be that the spring of abundant life and heavenly blessings flow in upon us, that you be gracious to us, and cause your Holy Spirit to dwell more richly among us. Father of mercy, continue your lovingkindness toward us. Make us worthy to walk in the way of your Son, loyal to your teaching and unwavering in love and service. Keep far from us all anxiety, darkness, and gloom, and grant that peace, light, and joy ever abide in our home. For in you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light.
Then, when itâs time for the head of the household to bless the bread and the wine, and in our house, the cheese:
Come, let us welcome the day of the Lord in joy and peace! Like a bride, radiant and joyous, comes the day of the Lord. It brings blessing to our hearts; workday thoughts and cares are put aside. The brightness of the Lordâs Day light shines forth to tell that the divine Spirit of love abides within our household. In that light, all our blessings are enriched, all our griefs and trials are softened. At this hour, Godâs messenger of peace comes and turns the hearts of brother to brother, sister to sister, parents to children, and the hearts of children to parents, strengthening the bond of devotion to that pure and lofty ideal of brotherhood, sisterhood, and household found in Holy Scripture. Let us praise God (as we hold up the wine), with this symbol of joy and thank him for the blessings of this past week.
This is the part that sometimes is the most precious to me:
. . . the blessings of the past week: for life, health, and strength; for home, love, and friendship; for the discipline of our trials and temptations; for the happiness that has come to us out of our labors. You have ennobled us, O God, by the blessing of work, and in love and kindness you have sanctified us by the blessing of rest, through the commandment: âSix days shall you labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Lordâs Day, set aside for the Lord your God.â
Every single week, these words minister life, and peace, and joy to me. Paul is trying to teach us to really enter into that rest fully, by truly finishing our work when the week ends; not to regard what we have left on our desk as something unfinished, that we want to get back to ASAP (as soon as possible). But rather, to regard that weekâs work as finished. As though I were going to die, and never return to it. âIt is finished,â as the Lord said on the cross. Now I havenât quite managed to do that yet, but Iâm getting there. I do not yet observe the Lordâs Day as well as I can, but I have a growing desire in my heart to do so.
Now, how you open, and observe, and close the Lordâs Day is something you do not decide alone, obviously. It is something that you and your husband discuss, though. And make it easy for him to decide to have some kind of celebration of the rest of the Lord. I remember when we first started talking about doing thisâI donât know how many years agoâI really bristled at the whole idea of something like âhomemade breadâ and, âWhat do you mean a simple one-dish meal? Thereâs no such thing as a simple one-dish meal.â
And, as with every good thing God has done for me, I really struggled against it. But I canât tell you how precious it is to me now. In our house, if thereâs no time to bake bread, we buy some. If thereâs a wedding, or some other function that interferes, then we try to have a short opening ceremony when most of us are there. The meal? Itâs good if the meal can be special; itâs like the big Sunday family meal that we had when I was a kid. In our family, we have the tradition of a big Saturday evening meal. And just whateverâs handy on Sunday, like soup and sandwiches.
But I have grown to love it, and I like all the good things that God gives me, even though I fought it, with subtle insults and sabotage. Now, when I come into the living roomânow this is when weâre allâyou know, this isnât going to beâthe way you like them to be: weâre all dressed up, thereâs a good meal in the oven, thereâs fragrant, homemade bread, thereâs cheese, and thereâs wine all ready. We sing, and we pray, and we share for an hour, and then we eat joyfully.
But . . . sometimes, itâs bread from the bakery. Sometimes, weâve all worked so hard on Saturday, up to the last possible moment, that we barely have time to shower and jump into slacks. And the meal is super simple. It doesnât matter. It doesnât have to be perfect. It doesnât even have to be close to perfect every time. Itâs the spirit that counts, not the letter. What counts is that weâre all there together, that weâre praising the Lord for the work of our hands, for the joys, the disciplines, and the trials of the past week. And weâre sharing our lives, and thatâs what counts.
I know one sister suggested that sometimes we can do something specialâifâlike, if you have little kids and itâs hard for them to sustain sitting still for more than 20 secondsâwell, you know, pizza! Or ice cream sundaes for dessert, something that makes it special, something that makes it something that they can look forward to. Itâs nice if you do it with your best china; itâs nice if you have homemade bread; itâs nice if youâre all dressed up very fancy and the men have ties. And, most of the time, thatâs a good way to do it.
But, you wonât always be able to do it that way. And the problem is that we think because of [just like?] your ârealâ mother syndrome, itâs a ârealâ Lordâs Day syndrome. âItâs gotta be this way, or it isnât really the Lordâs Day.â Paul travels a lot, and I used to say, before he would leave, âHoney, do you want us to have a Lordâs Day?â And heâd look at me and say, âWell, the Lordâs Day is coming, isnât it? [Laughter.] Of course you should celebrate the Lordâs Day; it doesnât matter whoâs here! Whoever is there, you need to sit down, open the Lordâs Day together, and share.â
When I come into the living room and I sit down, I feel a sense of peace and well-being flood me, on Saturdays. The cramp in my shoulders starts to recede, the headaches fade, the sorrows and burdens of the week are truly, truly lightened. The burdens are made sweet, for God is ministering to me as soon as I walk into that room ready to celebrate the Lordâs Day.
Whatever way, sisters, you can enter into a Sabbath rest, do it. If for some reason it is not possible to have a ceremony such as I have described, find a way to carve out for yourself a day of rest, a day set aside unto the Lord, so that the Lord can minister to you. Find a way to make it, for you, a day of true rest, true refreshment, even if itâs just a change in your attitude. Be stubborn about not using Sunday to do laundry or clean drawers. Just decide, âNo. I wonât give in to that temptation.â I promise you, it will do more for you than a trip to a sauna beauty ranch in Arizona. Just do it in whatever way you can. I do not want to lay a burden on anyone if, for any reason, your family or household is not doing it. But I do want to stir up in your heart a desire for some kind of way of observing the Lordâs Day of rest.
Give your work to the Lord, sisters, and praise him for it. You are his work; give yourself back to him. Give back to him what is rightfully his: your whole being, your work, and most of all, your love. Regard your work as a service: a service to the Lord, a service to your family, a service to those you work for and with. Make your work holy; make. . . . [Static on recording; unintelligible.]
The final prayer goes like this. I used to feel like crying when weâd do the final prayer, at the closing, because that means itâs really over:
Sovereign of the universe, Father of mercy and forgiveness, grant that we may begin the working days which draw near to us in peace, freed from all sin and transgression, living in the joy of your Holy Spirit, and clinging to the study of your teaching and to the performance of good deeds. Cause us to hear in the coming week news of joy and gladness. May there not arise in the heart of any man malice toward us, nor in us malice toward any man.
Our King, our God, Father of mercy, bless and prosper the work of your hands. And all who cherish towards your people thoughts of good, strengthen and prosper them, and fulfill their purposes. But all who devise against your people plans which are not for good, frustrate them and make them of no effect. As it is said, âTake counsel together, but it will come to nothing; speak a word, but it will not stand, for God is with us.âÂ
Open to us, Father of mercy and Lord of forgiveness, in this week, and in the weeks to come, the gates of life and blessing, of redemption and salvation, of heavenly help and rejoicing, of holiness and peace, of the study of your teaching and of prayer. And let that Scripture be fulfilled: âHow beautiful on the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news. Who hails peace and brings happiness, who proclaims salvation, who says to Zion, âYour God reigns.ââ
Sisters, truly, he reigns over all the world, over all his works, and over all of our works, too.
Amen.
[Clapping.]
Endnotes:
1. The Flying Wallendas were a famous high-wire stunt circus family troupe that performed death-defying acts, usually without safety nets. Return to text
2. The People of Praise owned and maintained the LaSalle building in South Bend, an old hotel which housed among other things community offices, meeting spaces, a restaurant, guest rooms for conference attendees and offices for Charismatic Renewal Services. Return to text
3. Charismatic Renewal Services served the prayer groups and people involved in the renewal; it later became the LaSalle Company. For background on CRS, see source #100, Explanation of Terms. Greenlawn refers to the communityâs property on Greenlawn Ave., which housed community offices and Trinity School at Greenlawn. Return to text
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