In this 1988 womenâs retreat talk, Jackie Curran explained the advantages and disadvantages of growing old. She addressed topics of weakness, isolation, giving up possessions and giving in to being served. Her main idea was that, as we age, the best place to be is in Christian community. The talk ended with an endearing personal sharing from Eva Kruse.
Transcript
This document is a direct transcript of an audio recording, and may contain transcription errors and other minor edits for the sake of clarity.
[Audio begins after Jackie has begun speaking.]
JACKIE: . . . to this talk is âGrowing Old Gracefully.â
The main idea, the idea that I really hope comes across, is that living in community is a wonderful preparation for growing old. And that when we are old, the best possible place to be is in a Christian community, which for us means being right here.
Obviously, there are apparent disadvantages to growing old. There are many, although less obvious, advantages. We women of the People of Praise need to appreciate, as we grow older, just how blessed we are, how good, how delightful it is to belong to this body.
First of all, letâs consider the disadvantages of aging [little chuckle by Jackie]. Old age is almost always accompanied by weaknesses of one sort or anotherâsometimes many different weaknesses: failing eyesight; brittle bones, which lead to falling and breaking hips, that sort of thing, breaking arms; chronic pain; loss of memory. As much as we want to prolong our time of vigor, and mental and physical alertness; as much as we may want to identify with the characters on the cover of Modern Maturity magazine [laughter], the people in the jogging suits, you know, and [laughter]âthe harsh reality is, you do reach the point where âthe old gray mare just ainât what she used to beâ [laughter].
At age 55, I find this line rather funny. Iâve come to accept that these aches and pains I experience are probably not going away. They may move around to other parts of my body [Jackie and all laugh], but they arenât going away. And Iâve come to accept that I really canât read at all without my glasses. For a while I thought thatâhonestly, Iâm sure others have experienced this tooâI thought the print in the phone book was getting smaller [laughter], and I really thought that the newsprint in the newspaper was getting lighter. I thought [Jackie laughs], âWhy donât they use dark ink anymore?â
But, it isâitâs me. I came to realize that: I do not see as well as I did a few years ago. And at age 55 I can still joke about that. But how will I feel when Iâm 65, or 75, or 85? The physical limitations, the heightened memory lapsesâwhich are now more a nuisance than a threatâtheyâll intensify and multiply. I know that, and it wonât seem funny then. I know that too.
But it need not be tragic, and I know that. And I know it because the Lord said it. He said it to St. Paul, and he says it to us, in the famous quote in 2 Corinthians 12:9: âAnd heââmeaning âthe Lordâââsaid to me, âMy grace is sufficient for you, for grace [sic; âfor my powerâ] is perfected in weakness.ââ
âMy grace is sufficient for you, for grace is perfected in weakness.â
In the community, we have been taught and encouraged to value, to treasure, the word of God. Weâve been taught and encouraged to believe and accept this particular Scripture passage. This idea that the power of God is greater than weakness.
And thatâs a truly radical thought, by the standards of the world:that there could be something good about memory loss, and failing eyesight, and pain, and all the other weaknesses. Regardless of how I feel, I know, at any age, that if I can accept all these things, I can be a better instrument. I can be more effective than if I am rushing around on my own steam. Itâs good to have been taught that lesson. Itâs good to have learned that lesson.
Another common, very real difficulty of old age is the feeling of isolation. If we are no longer able to be out and about, itâs hard to feel a unity with people who are. And we all need to be conscious of this need of our elder brothers and sisters, and plan times for visiting. But no matter how isolated we feel at any time of our lives, the truth is that we are not alone.
One big antidote to this feeling of isolation is the network of relationships that we have in the community. This is a large community, and each of us has grown close to many, many people. In fact, one thing I realized that I treasure so much is knowing that every year I grow in really deep personal love for more and more and more people. You know, as you are around people, as you work with them and be with them in different services or in womenâs group, or just in different kinds of contexts, you grow to really love one another.
And, this is the way life ought to be. Thereâs so many possibilities for friendships and sisterhood. Weâre not dependent on just a small group of people. And, of course, our greatest antidote to isolation and loneliness is our relationship with the Lord. We have been seeking and knowing his presence for years. âWe are the people who long to see your face.â That applies to us. âWe are the people who long to see your face.â
As we grow old, we know that God is still with us.
Old age is accompanied by limitations and restrictions. We donât have the energy to go where we formerly went, and we donât have the energy to do what we formerly did. And, what may very well be more difficult, we may have to go places we donât wanna go, and do things we donât particularly wanna do.
But, to some extent. because we are in the community, this is something that is already familiar to us. Weâve all been asked to go places we didnât want to go [Jackie and all laugh], and to do things we particularly didnât want to do [more laughter]. And probably every one of us has experienced the good fruit of doing this, simply because we think that this is what God wants of us. Not one of us would be here if we were devotees of the âdo your own thingâ mentality. And this attitude, this habit we have worked at, of dying to self, is something that will serve us well in our old age.
This is the time when we can truly take to heart what Jesus said to St Peter:
âWhen you were younger, you used to gird yourself and walk wherever you wished; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands and someone else will gird you, and bring you where you do not wish to go.â (Now he said this, signifying by what kind of death he would glorify God.) And when he had spoken this, he said to him, âFollow Me!â
Iâd like to read that again, because I think this isâthis particular quote is so pertinent to the whole subject of growing old.
âWhen you were younger, you used to gird yourself and walk where you wished; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands and someone else will gird you, and bring you where you do not wish to go.â (Now he said this, signifying by what kind of death he would glorify God.) And when he had spoken this, he said to him, âFollow Me!â
Hereâs another of the amazing ironies of Christian life. What Jesus told Peter, and what he tells us, is that even when we canât get around, we can still follow him. This passage is in John 21, verse [sic] 18 and 19, if anybodyâsâwants to write that down.
Old age is a time for giving up. We canât fit all the furniture in a one-bedroom apartment that we had in a five-bedroom house. And thereâs no place to store all the treasures. But giving up has been a pattern of ours for years. Weâve heard and thought about chapter 6 of the Spirit and Purpose of the People of Praise, which has to do with our possessions. Iâm quoting from that now:
We know that the form of this world is passing away, that the kingdom of God belongs to the poor in spirit and that the earth shall belong to the meek. . . . We desire treasure in heaven, not in purses that grow old. . . .
Those who sacrifice their very lives in this world out of love for their brothers and sisters will have life everlasting. Therefore, we covenant ourselves to âserve one another and the community as a whole in all (the) needs: spiritual, material, financial.â We embrace the direction of St. Paul:
"After all, the important thing is to be willing to give as we canâthat is what God accepts, and no one is asked to give what he has not got. . . ." [2 Cor. 8:12]
Often we have been asked to share what we have, to simplify our lives. Hopefully, weâve responded to that. So âgiving upâ is a habit that we have developed and that will serve us well as our need for possessions lessens. We arenât going to be like the man in the parable in Luke 12, chapter [sic; âversesâ] 16 to 21:
And he told them a parable, saying, âThe land of a certain rich man was very productive. âAnd he began reasoning to himself, saying, âWhat shall I do, since I have no place to store my crops?â âAnd he said, âThis is what I will do: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. âAnd I will say to my soul, âSoul, you have many goods laid up for many years to come; take your ease, eat, drink and be merry.ââ âBut God said to him, âYou fool! This very night your soul is required of you; and now who will own what you have prepared?â âSo is the man who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.â
So, giving up is a blessing. Weâve been asked to give up. Weâll be in the habit of doing that, and it wonât be so hard, perhaps.
Another frequent demand of old age, besides âgiving up,â is âgiving in.â The current seniors tell us that it is desirable to maintain the greatest degree of independence for the longest possible time. But many of us will reach the point when we need more and more care, possibly total care. We have served all our lives, and now we will be in the position of needing to be served.
But actually, we have already been in the position of needing to be served. We at times are the ones who move, or we are sick, or weâve gotten married or have seen our children marry, or have had babies or deaths in the family, and we have learned to be grateful for service lovingly given. Itâs such a blessing to see service lovingly given!
Every Wednesday morning I bring communion to a woman who is a stroke patient and in a wheelchair. Her husband has severe arthritis and is on crutches. Twice a week, a visiting nurse comes in, but other than that, he has the total responsibility for her care.
He gets her out of bed. He takes care of her personal needs. He brushes her hair. He fixes the meals. He helps her with her exercise. Heâyou know, he drags himself up and pushes her around; and every week when Iâm there he goes out to the kitchen and fixes us both a cup of tea. Andâoh, itâs just a great joy to see the service that he gives her.
She never knew how to drive, but when they were married, he promised her that she could always go to Sunday Mass, alth- âthis man isnât a Catholic. And, after she was confined to a wheelchair, it really bothered him that he wasnât able to bring her to Mass anymore. So he went to just great lengths to see that she could get to Mass, actually.
Soâthey live on kind of a little hill, so he got a couple of contractors in, and they both said that it was impossible to build a ramp down to the sidewalk. But he persevered, and he found somebody that built a ramp that went out for a while and then back, so that it was a less steep incline.
And then he needed a lift for hisâhe has a vanâand he needed a lift for the van, so he put an ad in the South Bend Tribune. And somebody responded that lived way out in Michigan, so he drove out there, and he got theâgot this lift, and then he had it installed in his van. And it tookâactually took a couple of tries, âcause one Sunday morning he got her out there, and the lift wouldnât work, you know, and it was freezing cold, andâit was very hard. But he stuck with it, and then, the first Sunday that heâtheyâhe was able to bring her to Mass, I was there, and it was just such a great triumph.
Another thingârecently, she was having trouble hearing, so he dragged himself off to the telephone company and bought an amplifier for their telephone and installed that. So, itâsâthis is just an example of service thatâs lovingly given.
And, thereâre so many examples in our own community too. Itâsâand the thing is that the people who serve like this lives [sic] are enriched, and . . . itâs not so awful to be in need of service, when service is so lovingly given. Itâs not so awful when youâre not a burden, but a real blessing to somebody.
One of the greatest fears of old age is pain. Gene Geissler, in his wonderful book, The Best Is Yet to Be, addresses this problem so beautifully. Iâd like to read what he said.
WOMANâS VOICE: [Whispering] Itâs right here. . . .
JACKIE [reading from Gene Geissler]:
The aches and pain of old age and, alas, the sufferings, long or short, that so often precede death are neither easy to see nor to endure. Even with modern medication, pain is sometimes intense, and seemingly unbearable in between times. And then there is the quiet suffering of the old and bedridden ones, who have lost the human dignity of taking care of their personal and basic needs. These people seem to have a right to ask, âIs this what life comes to?â
Will this happen to me? Will aches and pains and suffering be part of my old age before I die? Will I remember what I said here about these things? How will I handle it? Am I afraid even to think of it in order to be ready for it? I donât know. I would hope to make it count for something, but who knows?
How is suffering made part of the general acceptance? Personally, I think itâs harder to accept than death. Death comes to all, but suffering is always a special case, always different, always very personal and in a way insufferable because it lacks explanation and apparent meaning. âWhy me? Why me?â
The question has no answer unless we give it meaning beyond ourselves. That going beyond takes us into the passion of Christ, Son of God and most innocent of all. Thatâs where Paul leads those who suffer. âIt makes me happy to be suffering for you now, and in my own body to make up (for) all the hardships that still have to be undergone by Christ for the sake of his body, the Churchâ [Col. 1:24]. It is as if Christâs suffering is an invitation to join ours with his. Thatâs what gives it ultimate meaning and perhaps is the only answer.
Job never got an answer from the Lord about the why of his suffering, but his friends told him that if he would ârepudiate the sinâ and âraise an unsullied faceâ then things would be well with him again:
Put your heart right, Job.
Reach out to God. . . .
Then all your troubles will fade from your memory
like floods that are past and remembered no more.
Your life will be brighter than sunshine at noon,
and lifeâs darkest (hour) will shine like the dawn [Job 11:13, 16â17].
These beautiful words to Job come true for us in Jesus not because we are without sin, but because Jesus is, and [in] joining with him, we do go beyond ourselves to the real meaning of suffering. The reward is life in the New Jerusalem, in the new heaven and the new earth:
âLook, here God lives among human beings. He will make his home among them; they will be his people, and he will be their God, God-with-them. He will wipe away all tears from their eyes; there will be no more death, and no more mourning or sadness or pain. The world of the past has goneâ [Revelation 21:3â4].
JACKIE RESUMES HER TALK: All of us have already experienced pain of one kind or another, and we have already experienced uniting it to the suffering of Christ. As our brother Paul DeCelles wrote in his article in March â88 [sic] issue of New Heaven/New Earth, âWe know that somebody is benefiting from our dying.â
So these are some of the difficulties of old age, and we see that these difficultiesâweaknesses, a feeling of isolation, limitations, restrictions, giving up, giving in, chronic painâthese difficulties are considerably lessened by our being in community.
But not only will our difficulties be lessened; the advantages of growing old will be increased and enhanced.
First of all, it is good to remember our specific vocation, our calling to be a People of Praise. And praising God has nothing to do with how old or young you are, or how healthy or sickâbut everything to do with how much we love. And our love is increasing as the years go by. And weâll have the time to cherish this thought and encourage each other in this calling.
Another truth we have accepted and will continue to cherish is that what really matters is doing the will of God. Many people in their later years have written wonderful compositions, great books, invented marvels. But probably most of us wonât be able to do as much as we did, and this will be hard. But we will constantly know that what matters is doing Godâs will, whatever that is for us.
We belong to a people who recognize the primary importance of prayer. For all of our community life we have been taught, and exhorted, and encouraged to pray. Is there a time ahead of us when finding the time for prayer isnât such hard, hard work? Will old age bring us the opportunity to grow close to the Lord, to listen and talk to him in a more leisurely way?
Another treasure of ours is sacred Scripture. We have been taught to cherish Godâs word. Maybe weâll need large-print bibles or the gospels on cassette. Maybe even weâll have to depend on the Scripture verses weâve memorized. But Scripture which is meaningful to us now will grow more and more meaningful. There is in Godâs word always a new discovery, always a deeper meaning.
Old age is a time for memories, and what rich memories we have in community! Weâve all worked hard at discarding negative thoughts. The memories left to us, the times we can share with one another, will truly be things worth remembering. We can watch the videocassettes of our weddings, and talk about the good old times.
Weâve worked very hard to eliminate gossip from our conversations; weâve been taught to refrain from negative humor. So the funny things, the jokes that we share, will be things that really are funny.
In our community life weâve been taught and exhorted and encouraged to relate in the proper way. All of us have worked hard at having the right relationship with our friends; with our husbands and children, if we have them; with our relatives; with those in authority over us; and with those over whom we have authority. What a benefit it will be, in our old age, to have learned how to relate as Christians. We have been taught to forgive injuries, to ask for forgiveness. We have been shown honor and respect. We have been asked to serve one another and to be served.
With whom will we be sharing our lives in our declining years? Who will put up with us if we are ornery or crabby? Probably the same people who are putting up with us [Jackie and all laugh] when we are ornery and crabby now! And who will listen to the stories about our operations [laughter]? Probably the same people who listened to our vacation travelogs [laughter], to the detailed accounts of our two-month-old babyâs feeding schedules, to the play-by-play description of our sonâs soccer games.
We love one another! The concerns of one are the concerns of all. We will continue to love one another, because God has given us this love, this gift of loving one another. Itâs not dependent on how interesting or how attractive we are. God has given us this love for one another, and we will continue to love one another. Hooray! [Light laughter.]
Probably we will have more leisure in our old age. And what a blessing to know how to use leisure well. Weâve been constantly presented with the message that âWhatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.â [Philippians 4:8]
More leisure time will mean more time to think about these things. Old age is a time for wisdom even in the natural order, and how much more for those who have received the gift of wisdom. We have so much to give.
In Titus 2:3â5 we read,
Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to (too) much wine, teaching what is good, that they may encourage the young women in love for their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored.
The elders of our community have the mission to pass along the wisdom of the experience they have of many years of life in the Spirit. Thatâs a real mission: passing along the wisdom of many, many years of life in the Spirit. Our community has so much to give the world now, and as we grow older, we will have more and more to give. We are in such a marvelous place to contribute to the worldâs knowledge of how to grow old gracefully.
Maybe someday weâll have Servant School on how to continue to serve when your stamina is stalling, and how to be served, how to accept service graciously.
Maybe weâll have CFS IV talks on the whole subject of growing old gracefully: how to unite chronic pain to the Lordâs suffering; how to die daily to ourselves, in such a way as to prepare for our final death; how to prioritize what really matters, so that we do not cling to the things which we need to give away; how to impart wisdom in a compassionate, nonjudgmental way; how to maintain a sense of humor in difficult times; how to evangelize those who at the final stages of their lives may be openâmay be most open to evangelization.
Thatâs something Iâve thought a lot about, thatâyou see allâso many old people. They must really be ripe to hear the word of God in the last opportunity of their life. Who will be there to evangelize them?
Another subject for CFS IV could be how to pray when a less busy schedule gives us a larger block of time for prayer. How to fulfill the special mission of widows, which is to intercede. How to maintain a thankful heart in all the circumstances of life. How badly the world needs wisdom like thisâand even more, the example of lives of truly Christian elders.
If we have not died in infancy or in youth or young adulthood or middle age, then the possibilities of when we die are surely lessening [Jackie and others laugh]. In the article of Paul DeCelles which I mentioned above, he writesâin Paulâs article it says, âDeath is not just a black hole at the end of our lives into which we seem to be sucked for the utter extinction of existence. Rather, it is the last act of a spent life.â
We, who will have spent our lives in the People of Praise, are truly blessed [Jackie pronounces this âbless-edâ]. âBehold, I am coming soon,â says the Lord, âbringing my rewardâ [Revelation 22:12].We have been well prepared for him. We will rush out to greet the bridegroom.
When I was asked to prepare this talk, I was asked to get input from some sisters in the community who have more seniority than I do. And I wasnât able to talk to many, many people, but I did get to talk to some, and it is such an inspiration to see our sisters that areâhave really been there, or are there, and are living such marvelous lives. Somebody thatâs been a real role model to me, and is a real role model inâto women in any season of their life, is Eva Kruse, and Eva is going to share with us now.
[Applause.]
EVA: . . . Unaccustomed as I am to public speakingâoh, well, letâs forget about that [laughter]. Did you ever, when you were young, stop and wonder where you would be and what you would be doing, for instance, when you were 75 years old, which is wha- âhow old I am now? I am sure that none of us here imagined being in South Bend and being a member of the People of Praise. Not even my wildest imagination would have put me in this place. Which goes to prove that only God knows the best place for us to be, especially in our declining years.
Iâve been asked to share what it means to me, as a senior citizen, to be a member of the community.
I am the only remaining member of my family alive. Now, my two children, Karen and Chuck, have always lived many miles away, one this way [inaudible; âa longâ?] distance and the otherân that way. One of the special thingsâfrosting on the cake, as it wasâthat community has provided for me . . . is an adopted family. I truly enjoy being around young people, as it helps to keep one young. I also believe that any senior members of the community, especially those who have no family in this area, would find an adopted family a great blessing. Young families, too, whose grandparents live many miles away, would find adopting a grandma would be quite welcome toâby their children.
Another way the Lord has blessed me is with my health. He has provided me with work to do. I am one of the organists at St Anthonyâs Church. I work four hours, three days a week, in the bookstore, and more if necessary. I find some time to visit friends in nursing and retirement homes.
To serve as Jesus served is a special joy for me. I think we seniors will find life a lot more satisfying if we can be true servants. Isnât that what community teaches us?
What will happen to me when and if I become incapacitated, I do not know. All I can do now is pray that I can accept whatever cross Jesus might see fit to give me. I pray for his peace in any circumstance.
One thing I do not want to do is to give up. A good example of this is Mary Helen Cooler. She could resign herself to a wheelchair for the rest of her life, but she fights to be able to walk and to do whatever she is able to do herself. Her determination to be an active part of the community, in spite of her limitations, has been an inspiration to me.
At this time in my life, I feel much closer to God. My prayer time is more fruitful and more peaceful. I feel I have come a long way in that respect.
It is strange how much easier it is to become more and more detached from the things of the world. I thank God for miraculously freeing me from the 56-year-old habit of smoking! November the 13th, it will be a year. Praise God! [Applause.]
I must tell you what God is saying to me now. My father was one of whatâpeople that you might call âa packrat.â Being without work for four and a half years during the Depression, he would grab onto anything someone else was throwing away, even to picking up a safety pin off of the street. Consequently, the barn on the back of our lotâand I do mean barnâbecause it had a second floor, was storage room for many things. Also, we had a large attic, which added much more space for collecting.
Somewhere in the last five years of his life, he decided that he wasnât going to be able to use all this collection [laughter]. So he gradually cleaned out the barn and the attic. When he died, it was my responsibility alone to take care of the estate. Can you imagine how grateful I was to him for having cleaned out the barn and the attic? [Light laughter.] It is 23 years now since he died, and I keep thanking him over and over again [laughter].
With that in mind, the Lord has put it on my heart that it is time for me to get my attic and barn in order [laughter]. Things that used to mean so much to me donât really matter that much anymore. I donât need them. I can keep them in my memory. So, I am working on cleaning out my house of all the years of accumulated junk.
In the same way, I am working on cleaning out my heart of worldly junk, to make more room for Jesus to dwell therein. I have turned over the leadership of my life to him, and I pray that I will be able to accept his decision in all things.
Praise the Lord!
[Applause.]
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